18 Months later and this is how I feel...

1. Whoever said blood is thicker than water (in reference to relationships) is ignorant.
2. I love having a baby girl.
3. I am much more patient now than 10 years ago.
4. I have more compassion for people.
5. I have no tolerance for child abuse.
6. I have even less tolerance for the political garbage involved.
7. I love fostering.
8. I feel way different about everything now.
9. I can and do like some bio parents.
10. I can support reunification.
11. I cannot support reunification for sexual abuse offenders.
12. My kids are amazing (I already knew that).
13. I believe that quality foster care is needed and effective.
14. I can and do treat every child as if they are my own.
15. Foster parenting is hard work, expensive, and inconvenient.
16. Instead of handing out bus tokens, bill money, and free daycare. Offer education. Require job or school if you want your bus token. Require something other than just 'showing' up for visits, therapy, AA meetings, parenting classes, and the list is long.
17. Racial issues run deep for many people on both sides. It's ridiculous.

Still Alive

I am not the blogger I once was. I think having 4 children has something to do with that. Probably having an infant is the real reason. So much happens so fast. Lovebug's mom is doing better. She was so happy to see Lovebug today, it was a good day. She was in a great mood. We even talked for awhile. We talked about domestic abuse. I hope I got through to her, she still defends the person who abused her. I probably didn't, but at least I said something. I remained positive to her that she will get Lovebug back in a few months. She is working her plan, so I don't see why she wouldn't get her. She said she hopes to get her back. If she messes up again, I have to believe that she in incapable. This is it, she has to prove herself now, not later. I told her how much we love Lovebug, and that we will miss her somethin' awful. I secretly have hope that she will stop her plan, like so many times and years before. But that is a defense mechanism, I have to think we have a chance in keeping her--even if we don't. I don't really hope anything except for God's will. That is what I am living right now. This is so much bigger than I am. There are so many hurdles to jump through to keep Lovebug that it sometimes seems impossible. Then I feel sick that she will return to a life of poverty. And not poverty like real poverty, but more uneducated, low morals, and not caring way of life. She will grow up riding the city bus, going to a daycare for low income families, breathing in second hand smoke, stained clothes, laundromat, and many of mom's boyfriends moving in and out. Of course going to the laundromat and riding the bus doesn't make a bad parent or a bad person. I don't think that at all, but when you are uneducated this is the life you settle for, and along with that comes other social problems.

Another call...another no...

Yes we got another call the day before Thanksgiving. I was so excited I could not contain myself. I was actually pacing the floor in excitement. The baby was 2 weeks old and was a possible adoption. I knew she was for us. I was already thanking God for her. We were told that we 98% had her. Then the 2% came along, and we lost out. We don't know what happened. I suspect that a family member took her, and that is what I hope happened. Then I crashed. The adrenalin was too much, the let down was too much. I wasn't crying, I was just tired. I gathered up Lovebug and went for a walk. Then we went shopping. I was sad. Then I start thinking, if I am still so excited over the prospect of another child, then maybe I am where I should be. Some people can't handle the constant let down. I don't know how I continue to put myself out there, but I do. As Feb/March approaches our stomach is in knots. Lovebug's fate will be decided. Her mom has every ability to meet the criteria to get her back. She says that she will. I am scared that she will. I know her mom well enough to know that she commits to things short term. Her children included. If we are able to keep Lovebug, then we want her mom to be a part of her life. I feel like a parent to the mother. It's very difficult.

Same ole' Same ole'

I feel like I repeat myself. I do have frustration over the system and I don't want to sound so negative, but it just comes out. We are now waiting until Feb. to see if Lovebug's mom will stick with the program. She has a live in boyfriend and who knows when she will be pregnant again. She is working her plan, but only barely.

We love Lovebug so much, she is just so sweet. I love feeling her heaviness in my arms. I can't explain how she is just our child. Then reality pipes in. I drink from this cup, it is my choice.

We did get another call for a baby girl, but she went to family. That is always good. I see the difference in myself now when I get a call for a child. Before we were so gung ho to foster that we just wanted a call. Now it's different. Amazing how you can change in a year.

So we are living our life like normal. Our kids are great, they want so badly to keep Lovebug as their sister.

Now that it is Thanksgiving, I am so very thankful for my husband and children. Everything else is just extra blessings, but they are my true gifts.

On the list again

Our home has openings again. We are on the list again. This time I feel different. That anxiety and urgency isn't there. I need to recoup myself emotionally and spiritually. I have 3 kids of my own that need my attention. Lovebug is doing so well. She is so much part of our family. She is so spoiled and sweet. We are all so much in love with her. But she isn't ours. I can't help but have this sense of uneasiness that she can be taken away. The fact that we have her is a miracle. Her mom is losing interest right now. I don't get it at all. I don't understand it. I get the whole 'social economic' issues that is often blamed on child abuse/neglect issues, but I don't buy it. There is much more to it than that. So while Lovebug's mom is losing interest now, she could become interested in the near future and still get her back. So I no longer worry about missed visits or other signs that mom is giving up. If this baby is meant to be ours, she will be. I may need to remind myself of this in the future. I feel that I am no longer excited or energized about fostering. I have decided that I was looking through rose colored glasses. Not understanding, experiencing, or knowing the reality of foster injustice. Do I love it? Yes I do. I really do love taking care of these kids. However, reality is that it's your life. I can't separate that. I also don't know how long I can do this. I am not quitting. I am just taking it one day at a time, and praying for the strength to parent the way God wants me to. To all my children, biological and foster...they are all mine and I love them.

New update on a sibling set...we are the list to take them (boys). However, things change daily. Decision isn't made yet.

And just like that...he's gone...

Another one moved away. 3 yrs old, gone to home number 9...or something like that. The actually number is irrelevant at this point. Political bureaucracy is why we lost him. He is angry, confused, and sad. They called at 10am, picked him up at 12pm. I felt horrible. I rushed to get his things together. Poor baby. His mom is to blame. It has all come down to her behavior is why he has had so many moves.

Our Revolving Door

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind. We did respite several more times. Let's just say that respite gets old really quick when you do it back to back like we have. It's the constant adjustment that is only a few days but throws off these kids in a big way. I'm starting to not believe that kids are resilient. Yes, they may be resilient in some ways but they have a breaking point too. We have a new addition, except he will only be staying a month or less. This is home number 8 within 2 years. He is 2 1/2. Adjustment issues, behavior problems, and the sweetest little smile and voice. He is very affectionate, especially when he is trying to get out of trouble. His future is uncertain. He may go to family, or he may not. I don't want him moved. For his sake. I'm exhausted, undoing 2 years of this mess is very difficult. It's cases like this that break your heart. We can't take him out yet, he is too unruly. I believe that will change, but probably about the time they move him. I will worry about him.

So these last few weeks I have been second guessing myself and foster parenting. I'm sure it happens to everyone. To be a good foster parent, you have to give more than 100%. It's hard some days. I'm tired. Just because it's difficult I start thinking maybe this isn't what I signed up for. But that is the easy way out of reality. These kids live this dark reality everyday. To help someone else, it usually requires sacrifice. Maybe I'm not used to real sacrifice, so it's hard for me. I don't know. I just know that something can be much different than it appears.

Lovebug's mom is dropping the ball. Good news for us. So why am I sad. Because I care about her mom. Open adoption is sounding really good. Open enough for visits, calls, and a friendship? I'm just thinking out loud. I really love being a foster parent. I get really frustrated and angry at these parents. But I have to focus on what is in front of me. I can't fix this system. I can support the ones I have and their parents. If the parents don't respond, then what. We keep going. Focus on today. The problems today. The behavior issues for today. The sicknesses of today. Being tired will make you weary. I am weary. I also know that I will be renewed.

Spoiled

We are not just blessed. We are spoiled. We have to most perfect baby girl. We are in love with her. Today, I cannot think of losing her--even though it is always in my head.
She is almost crawling, she tries to say 'mama', she hugs and kisses us, she is so happy. I am so excited for the holidays.

Nothing New

Which is actually good news, because it means we are all going forward like normal!!! Lovebug fits into our family so perfectly. We are super busy with school and our kids. No drama~

We are Blessed

I can't complain. I feel like it, but I shouldn't. My children are so awesome. We are so proud of the boys we have. My husband is amazing and so hardworking. Lovebug is absolutely perfect. She is growing so fast and we love her so much. We are very blessed. We are also in the middle of the foster care system. I have made some friends that are foster moms, and former foster moms. The stories they share are heartbreaking. How did we end up so lucky? Maybe the luck will run out, I don't know. Maybe that luck is going to run out in Feb when our baby will go back to her mom. Of course anything can happen between now and then, but if Lovebug's mom wants her she will get her. We are so attached to Lovebug. Our heart will break. It already does at the thought of losing her. In a few months visits will increase, be in her mom's home, and eventually be unsupervised. I am trying to reach out to Lovebug's mom. She is very receptive. She even told me that she is glad that we have Lovebug, she knows we love her. It made me cry.

What a week holds

Things can change quickly. The little boy we want we will probably not get. It's too bad because he will be able to be adopted. Mix in a little politics and everything gets screwed up. We will have him and his baby brother for the weekend as respite. I'm excited about that. But by Saturday night I will be exhausted!!

Lovebug's mom is doing great. I am preparing my family for her to reunify. It's heartbreaking if I think about losing her, I can barely stand it. So I don't think about it. I take it one day at a time and say to my kids that she will be going home in Feb. The things I look forward to is her first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas. I am overjoyed we have her, but I also feel sad for her mom. Thankfully we have a good relationship and I will be able to include her somehow. I am just not sure how yet. The biggest thing for me now is helping Lovebug's mom to be a great mom for Lovebug. I don't really know how to do that either. So complicated.

147millionorphans---I ordered some goodies from there. The procedes go to Uganda to feed the children. The women of one tribe are making beaded necklaces. I cannot wait to get mine, it's a great way to share their story.

We May get this Little Boy

We have our eye on this little boy. If he has to leave his current foster home, we want him. It will be very difficult. He has attachment issues that are textbook. He has visits with his mom that make him go backward in behavior. I don't know if we are strong enough to be jerked around by the system with this little boy. I am praying. I have vocalized that we will take him if need be. That is all I am saying. There are hoops to jump through for us to actually get him, so if we do I will be surprised. Until then, we are still open to other children.

Back to the Basics

I can feel and see the burnout. I haven't been doing this long enough to have burnout. I have been a whiny baby about the system. I hate injustice, it makes me angry. I look at the big picture and quit focusing on the details. I am going back to the basics. I'm going back to what I felt God calling us to do. Taking care of the children that come our way. Rewind, deep breath. I feel that I am falling away from my purpose. I do want to be part of a change. I have located our commissioners emails, and when I am done with my report, they will all get one. The news may even get a copy, somehow :)

Turned Down a Placement

I turned down a placement yesterday. I'm afraid I'm becoming bitter. I am getting a backbone when it comes to dealing with the system. The children were 5 yrs and 7 months. The mother was crazy, schizo. The family members wanted to keep the children but they can't handle the crazy mother! Then the parents had visits that would interfere with me picking my own children up from school, and would cut into Kindergarten for the 5 yr old. I just do not want to deal with that drama.

About visits: Sometimes visits should not be done. I just can't agree with letting a child in the same room with a parent that beats them. Not always of course, Lovebug's mom loves her and should visit her. But let's call a spade a spade. If your unfit your unfit. Consequences for abusing your children, not understanding from liberals who love to blame being poor, uneducated, and abuse in the parents past for excuses. What about the children who don't want to see their parents. They don't have a choice.

Well, I am on my soapbox this morning. There are 2 little boys we really want. They are in our friend's foster home and they don't want to adopt. We MAY take them, we are waiting for other people to decide. Lots of abuse issues with the older one. We are praying about it, it may not work out.

First Step

I am gathering case studies of children that have fallen through the cracks, are being abused during visits, and etc. This is my research part of attempting to address the problems. It feels useless.

The System is Broken...

I'm angry. I don't understand the mentality of the people in charge of the child protective services. Yes, I knew the system was screwy when I started this. But in reality you have to be in it to get it. There are great foster parents, there are great social workers, and there are great judges. So why is there this problem? Because often times social workers don't make good decisions, and judges don't follow the law. What can you do after a law is passed and the judge doesn't follow it? Appeal? Meanwhile time is going by and the children's lives are in limbo. We need to pay attention to what these judges are doing. What do you do when a social worker drops the ball? What do you do when the social workers' supervisor does nothing about the child that's been in foster care for 3 years and has unsupervised visits with a parent who tried to kill them? What do you do when a case aid (a person with little required education who supervises visits) leaves the room or just doesn't care during a supervised visit while the child is being pinched, cut, yelled at, or slapped during the visit, nor do they report it? What do we do? Why drag it out for years, the abuse continues right under the watchful eye of the system. I fully understand the workload of a social worker, and I'm saying that it's too much for them. They cannot be solely responsible, they need help. It isn't fair to place total blame on social workers. The turnover rate for social workers and foster parents is extremely high for a valid reason. As a foster parent I am scrutinized continuously, and I'm fine with it. We have nothing to hide. Everyday a criminal report is run on my household, EVERY DAY. If I so much as get a traffic ticket it will be found out immediately. I think it's fine. It should be done. Foster parents have a huge responsibility. I can see where being a foster parent should be treated as a job and should be compensated well. At the same time, high standards should be adhered too. What should not happen is that a foster parent should not be treated as the enemy. Parents that have lost their children should be assured that their children are safe. If that child is in my home, they are safe. I can speak for several foster homes I know of, and I know those children are safe. Parents and foster parents should be encouraged to work together for the good of the child, and reunify if possible. If a parent has harmed a child, like attempted murder or founded sexual abuse, or founded physical abuse then the parents rights should be terminated within a reasonable time. Why take 3 or so years of a child's life to decide or try to reunify with an abusive parent? I realize that it's not that black and white, but for the most part it's not that difficult. I do not want child services to have all the power. The social workers need more accountability. If they have a child on their caseload that is years in the system, then someone else needs to step in. Judges need to be held accountable for sending children home to parents who have knowingly abused them. Foster parents need more support. We have the children, we know the children. Parents need to work with foster parents. This is sometimes impossible because of the high emotional state of the situation. A mediator should probably step in and help the foster parents and parents to work together. I really believe that instead of having a social worker making all the decisions the parents and foster parents should have more rights-but together. They should be in agreement. Bring in GAL's, psychologists, mediators. Get rid of these case aids who just add fuel to the fire. Go to the problem. The abuse. Address it. Make a decision based on the child's safety, not blood ties. Not every child is removed for horrible situations. Many can reunify. But for those that have suffered abuse, cut the parental ties. A bridge needs to be built between the foster parent and the parent. I am ready to start a movement. A movement to protect the 8 year old that was in my home, who is taking 4 different medications for psychotic symptoms, who's own mother tried to drown him, who has unsupervised visits with her, who's childhood has been robbed, who has been a victim of the child protective services who did not handle his case correctly and a judge who refuses to terminate parental rights, who's mother should be in jail for attempted murder. I am ready.

Respite

We have been doing respite non-stop for a week. Different kids, different days, but we have had extra kids for a week now. One is leaving tomorrow and 2 are coming tonight for the weekend. For Labor Day weekend we had 3 extra kids, 2 were infants and one was 3 yrs. So that gave us 3 under the age of 7 months!!! It was crazy, and I was so tired. I have been enjoying this 'break' and my time with Lovebug. I have a feeling we will get a call soon. Things seem to go into spurts. Slow then busy. I will no longer complain of not having placements. It is a good thing when children are not needing to be removed from their homes. On the news today a man was arrested for beating his girlfriends 2 toddlers. Physical abuse, extensive bruising to their little heads and throat. So heartbreaking. People can really make me sick.

Still Moving Forward

Things are progressing slowly. Lovebug's mom has to step up her game if she wants to reunify. It will be a few months before we know if she is going to stick with it, and if she can keep a place to live. If she doesn't we will get an attorney of our own and begin our own process. No child should spend years in the system.

Court is over

Mom signed over her rights to her son, 5 yrs old. He has been is foster care since he was 2. This is the second child she has signed over. She only wants Lovebug and that is all she will have now. Yes, we are still in reunification. So exhausting. I have a theory: Mom is mentally ill, she loves her babies but when it comes to having to care for them long term--she can't do it. Not without help anyway. She is alone and no doubt suffered some sort of abuse herself (I know this from what she has told me). What do we do now? We will most likely have Lovebug for one year total and then who knows what will happen. If mom disappears or loses interest then once again we go through this process. That may happen since she already has said she will 'just have another baby'. Yep, she did. Deep breath. I am praying for God's will, not mine. No one wants to know my plans, my thoughts, or what I want. I have to work at myself to keep Lovebug's mom first. I have to put her first and give her a chance. If Lovebug goes home to her, then I want her to be a very good mommy to her. The biggest challenge I am facing is feeling like we are in limbo. We can't really move forward because of this unknown that we may get to adopt Lovebug. The saddest part of this is mom's little boy. He loves his mom, he has had visits all this time. He has expressed repeatedly that he wants to live with his mom. She signed him over. He has lost 3 years of his childhood for nothing. She should've done that a long time ago. Giving him up was her plan since Lovebug has been born. So that is 2 children she has signed over. It's really sad, and even for mom. It makes me mad, but I really have no anger thank goodness. I just hope she doesn't have another baby, but I'm sure she will because she has expressed this many times.

Not going to court

Well, as things go in the world of parenting--we have a sick child home today. Meaning, it's a good thing I don't have to go to court today. I'm staying home taking care of my little man. He was at school for only 3 days before catching something. I think sickness is my biggest stress when it comes to school. My kids have stayed well all summer, I'm just sayin'...

Strange...

I have a weird feeling. First of all, I was told a few days ago that I would need to testify against baby mamma. She told me some things that I repeated. Come to find out, she has been saying 'things' to lots of people, nothing was said to me in confidence. I felt so much better about that. So I was going to answer my 'yes' 'no' questions on the stand. Then I was told today not to come in at all....the judge is unpredictable. Lovebug could be gone soon.

Don't know what to think

So court is Monday and Tuesday. TPR court. 2 children. One has been in foster care for over 2 years. We have no idea what way this will go but what we think will happen is, mom will get more time. She secured a 1 bd apt one week ago. That is a step in the right direction for her. I have not been able to talk to her for 3 weeks now. Our new visit location has us coming in one door, and her in another. They don't encourage contact. It frustrates me, but it seems she is doing okay. I saw her in the waiting room and her hair was done, she looked so pretty. The problem, I really think she hurts herself when it comes to court. She will say things that hurts her case, and she tell lies (she doesn't want to get into trouble for not doing something-so she says she did it). If she is quiet during court, and does what her attorney tells her--she has a good chance of getting her kids back. Even if she isn't 'perfect' I see her getting more time. Since she does have an apt and a job. Now her keeping the apt is what I am worried about. She has had 3 places to live in the last 5 months, so stability is a major issue. I would say it's almost over, but I have a feeling it has just begun--the drama that is.

Lovebug is doing great, she has attached herself to my hip and prefers that spot to any other. We love her, we will hate to lose her. The longer we have her the worse it will be. Doesn't anyone see that? I'm not worried about me, but her. The grief she will go through if they drag this out. We are already taking steps to prepare our kids, but there is no easy way for them. They are still missing Little Guy. We let our kids have a say if we take another foster baby. They all said they wanted to take another. So once again, we are living open--to what God gives us.

Back to Waiting

So we are back to waiting and getting butterflies when our agency calls. Court is approaching for Lovebug. They are trying to terminate parental rights. I don't believe it will happen. I will be very surprised if the judge terminates her rights. The issue with Lovebug is dependency. Her mom is unable to provide for her basic needs, such as shelter. But why should the state terminate parental rights when we are here providing for her? That sounds sarcastic because it is. I really struggle with this. I really have compassion for Lovebug's mom, I like her. She is very sweet and loves her children. Then I see her decisions she makes. I don't agree with them, she isn't making the best choices to get her kids back. In the meantime, Lovebug will spend years in foster care with only visitation with her mom. Unless mom gets it together in a week. She just might. I am rooting for her. But if she doesn't have 'shelter' by the end of this month, I will be very disappointed. If she isn't prepared to reunify with her children, then she will just have many more long months of the same pattern. This has been going on for almost 3 years now. So if the goals of providing permanency for a child was actually true, then children would not spend years in foster care. I can see myself becoming bitter and falling into the pit of self pity. Yes I have my own selfish desires in this mix. Lovebug. We would be overjoyed to keep her to say the least. As court approaches, I am praying that the best for Lovebug comes out of it. If that is with her mother, I will support it. I will be heartbroken, once again. If they want to drag this out for months more, I will be very upset. So I guess that is what I should plan on happening. Expect the worse, pray for the best. I should say pray for the best and expect the best to show my strength in my faith. It's not that I don't have faith. I have faith, but I have to be careful to draw the line at what I want and what is right for this baby. After all of this I am so excited to take on another. I'm not sure why sometimes. Maybe because with each new child is a renew of hope? I don't know. We are also searching other adoption options. For today we are happy and healthy.

Got a referral call- didn't work out

We got a call for a 11 week old baby girl. Reunification is the plan. Mom is MR (mentally retarded). Dad is in the picture. I so wanted her but she was not placed with us. It is impossible to not get excited when you possibly are getting a child. No matter what the circumstances they come to you, they should bring you joy. Until we get another placement, I am enjoying my nights since they are soooo peaceful--Lovebug sleeps all night.

Feeling Drained-Emotionally

I like to abide by the rules, I like the idea of fairness and justice, I foolishly believe in these things. Sometimes you get a glimpse into the ugly, unfair, and unjust rules of the game. It's many opinions and powerplays. It's the reality of our social system, the one that claims to be in the best interest of the children. There are wonderful social workers, great judges, parents who have been helped and want their children, quality foster homes, and wonderful families--they do exist in this mess. If not, it would be much worse. It's easier to quietly turn our back, let our license expire, slip back into our routine with our own children--oblivious to what we know is true. I have been tempted, I must admit. I pray more now than I have in a long, long time. God doesn't ask the same of every person. Every person has their passion, their own desires. This is mine. Often time people think that following God's will will bring them easy street. This is untrue. Often times doing what is right is very hard. Self sacrifice, pain, unfairness are all part of life. We are sticking with it, but sometimes I can't see the good. The good I see is the individual children that are safe in our home. Maybe I should realize that the Little Children that God loves so much is who I am answering to.

Sexual Abuse

The forbidden topic. The one we don't want to think about is the most prevalent. The sexual abuse topic was covered in our foster classes. I was left with more questions. Why why why why why do we let this happen to our children? I asked one of our social workers during class what is the percentage of children in care that have been sexually abused, she said almost 100%. We must stop this somehow. But how? We chose not to take children who sexually act out. We did this to protect our own children. I do understand that we could get a child who may act out and no one knew. If that happened we would deal with it, not give up the child. Our children need a voice. Sexual abuse awareness needs more attention. For some reason the adults that do this are often protected by family members. I look at the sex offender list and sometimes it's ridiculous how they don't distinguish between a real pedophile and a 19 yr old with a 17 yr old girlfriend. Our society goes full throttle against something and it's all or nothing. No common sense can be used. I think it's such a disgusting crime that family members are so embarrassed that they would rather hush it than risk others knowing the truth. That is my opinion, no actual data to back it up. I know sexual abuse is taught in school, but the children are not given a solution. Tell? then what? Be put into a foster home only to return 6 months later? I am rambling now and going to close before I get started to deep.

Reality of Reunifying?

We have been so lucky so far in regards to foster parenting. Reunification went smoothly with Little Guy. I know that the only reason I can be so positive about this situation is that I did not hand over that baby to the person who had abused him. Give me that situation and I will not handle it as well. If we are given a child who has been abused at the hands of their parents, then a few months later are made to reunify them--then that will be the fault of the system if they are abused again. That is the scenario I hope to avoid. Due to lack of my experience I have no idea how often this happens. Any insight?

Prayers of a child

Little Guy is with his family. Yesterday was very hard. Our youngest son was very sad. He said, "I prayed to God that we could keep Little Guy if we were the right family. I guess we are not the right family, they are". It broke my heart for him. I assured him that Little Guy's family is the right place for him, and that it's okay if he is sad because we lost someone we love. My son wanted to keep Little Guy. He put his trust in God and prayed. God answered his prayer, just not in the way he wanted. He is accepting of that and is not bitter for not getting what he wanted. The faith and prayers of a child is something we all can learn from.


In other news: Lovebug's mom did not show for a visit this week. First time ever. She has never missed a visit. I am concerned. Maybe it is nothing, she could be sick or something. But she didn't call and cancel, so I don't know.

The Last Week

We are transitioning him this week. He will spend 2 full days with his family, us at night. Then forever on the 3rd day. So sad for us. Sad for Little Guy to have to adjust. Happy for the family. They are so happy and ready for him. I have one more full day with him. I will miss him so much.

My Heart is Breaking

He will leave on Thursday, my birthday. That is the plan, it could change and be earlier--who knows. I really hate this, I don't want him to go. I really do have peace about this situation, I can't ignore how excited his family is for him, his father's tears, his grandfather's support. If Little Guy was going home to his mom, I would be very upset. I really think every situation is unique. Some parents deserve another chance, some do not. Family is usually best for the child, sometimes it is not. It is best for Little Guy. There really is no suitable family for Lovebug. Lovebug's mom deserves another chance, Little Guy's does not. This is the most frustrating because with the many adults assigned to each child, someone should have a clue as to what is best. The social worker turn over is tremendous in our county. In turn it affects the decisions made for the kids. Addressing the reasons for such a high turnover would be the first step in bettering our social problems. Little Guy's worker left, and no one was there to take her place. The supervisor did nothing. The family should have had Little Guy months ago. That's the ugly truth. We were lead to believe that no one wanted him. If he would have been adopted, it would have been reversed. We were highly mislead, but we are not bitter. I'm glad it was found out now, not later. The truth is, there are children every day who are abused and neglected. They need a safe home. We are a safe home. We cannot sit around saying 'poor us' because of what happened with Little Guy. We keep moving forward because that is where life lead us, forward. I am sad, I cry spontaneously, I see him doing stuff 'for the last time'. It's difficult but not impossible. I am very concerned for my own children. They are visibly upset over this and I don't want them to have ill feelings toward foster care. We are dealing with it as it comes. This will be a very difficult week.

The Positives

Little Guy is going home to his family. They love him. His father has surfaced and is going to start forward steps in parenting. He has aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. It really is the best for him. If things go well, Little Guy's father will get custody and his mother will not be able to mistreat him again. This will be great because Little Guy is a guy's guy. He loves the guys and he will bond wonderfully to his dad. Until then his aunt and uncle will care for him and provide him a stable home. As far as reunification goes, this is a great outcome. We love this baby so much.

Losing

We are losing Little Guy. Heartbroken doesn't even describe how we feel. The paternal family has come forward. He will live with his family. This is part of fostering. It's hard, we love him, we want to keep him. I have cried and cried. I can't talk about it or I will fall apart. My focus is making this an easy transition on this baby I love so much. This includes getting along with 'them'. For Little Guy I will do anything. Now I am deciding what I need to buy him before he goes. I just ordered him a ton of clothes, so he will be set until next spring. I don't know how long we have, only a week or two.

Frustration

We are very frustrated with a certain birthparent. She is no longer mia, she is sitting in jail and will be for quite a while. But that doesn't stop her from trying to call the shots. It's ridiculous and almost laughable at the mess that is created here. My empathy level for her just keeps getting lower and lower, and trust me I've tried to understand---We have two very different situations with our babies. One parent is full of anger and the other full of remorse. I am filled with both. It's really just a bad day for me today in dealing with the system.

The Ups and Downs

Life has it's ups and downs. Throughout this whole foster care journey we have had major ups and downs. It's draining. Our family is pretty much laid back, we just hang out, shop, bike ride, watch movies, and stuff. The kids have their things to do, but we don't go crazy and over do it. We can see how easy both of these babies fit into our family. When you have older children then all of a sudden have infants, it can be overwhelming. But these babies are just so perfect. I don't know how I'm going to handle saying goodbye to them.

The ups and downs of their cases has been crazy. First they go home, then it looks like they may stay, then mom is on track-they are going home, a family member wants them, then they are staying, then we can adopt, then it's up to the judge, then no one knows, then they get lost in the system, then we can adopt them. See the pattern of craziness? I think my problem is expectations. I really was too positive and wanted to believe the workers when they tell us that we will probably get to adopt both babies. I am changing the rules. It's not fair to our family to pretend we are going to adopt these babies when they could both be gone as fast as they came. I am not giving up, yet. I am simply re-evaluating my motives, my expectations, and my families desires. I am going to practice acceptance. Acceptance that this is not in my control. Acceptance that these babies will more than likely go home--yes both of them. Acceptance that things change from day to day, happiness can turn to sadness in a blink of an eye. Acceptance that reality is sometimes ugly and unfair, and my children are learning that. Acceptance that these lessons in loving will have a positive impact on my children's lives, even if it's painful now.

What I know about our babies cases: Lovebug's mom is going to work hard the next 6 weeks to do everything she needs to in order to stop the termination.
Little Guy-we are being kept in the dark. I think the aunt is pursuing custody and I would guess the worker will support that--only because he has been reduced to a file. The worker who knew him is gone, I can't tell you how much that impacts the kids (when a worker leaves). We do have the GAL but unless the aunt is in bad shape, he will go there eventually.

So now in practicing my acceptance of our decision to foster, I am accepting that we will more than likely lose both babies. Foster parenting is rewarding, but painful experience. I have said before that we are living 'open', open to what God gives us. Giving babies a healthy start is so important for their future development. I am blessed to be these babies mommy, even if for a day.

A Blow- at least it feels like I've been punched in the stomach

Good news and bad news.

Lovebug will stay with us for 6 more weeks, that's the good news. More good news is that PC will go forward, adoption for us is on track. Unless mom gets it together. I am praying for her.

Little Guy, the bad news. So unexpected. First of all, a social worker shows up today. She is Little Guy's new worker, his case was thrown in her lap and she has to be caught up. I've been getting worried about his case because it's been so quiet, and his previous worker left months ago. So the bomb was dropped, a paternal aunt wants custody of Little Guy. Paternity has not been determined, and they can't find dad to go forward. It's rumored that this 'aunt' has already filed for custody, mom is in jail right now and of course she wants the aunt to have him. I was floored. Did not expect this. We will be at court this month, we will see who else shows. This may all be needless stress. Facts: Paternity is not determined and the aunt has not been cleared via background check. So after a panic attack, we have to focus on the positive. We still have Little Guy today. I'm very protective of Little Guy, he really has had to deal with a lot in his short life. His attachment to us and ours to him is amazing, we will be heartbroken if we lose him. These next 2 weeks are going to be torture. I want more information from the social worker, and at the same time I don't. You never know what a day will hold. What should I be learning from this? Day to day living? Trust? Our children, I hurt for them. I don't want them to know pain like this. That is my fear, my children's (including Little Guy) hurt.

6 more weeks...

Court is tomorrow, Lovebug will more than likely stay here until after the next court date which is 6 weeks away. I was told that she will not be leaving right now, but sorry if I don't believe anything until after it happens. So we have 6 more weeks with her, after that we don't know. Praying we get to keep her, but also realizing that she could go back to mom. It is what it is. We are enjoying her while we have her. I am at peace, not really sure how but I am. I just ordered her some new clothes from my favorite stores, it's hard to get to the mall these days. She is growing so fast, and any excuse for new clothes works for me. Little Guy is getting new duds also, as well as my own kiddo's. I love online shopping!! I even order our diapers and wipes from diapers.com. Saves trips. So now I can relax, wait for our new clothes, and enjoy the rest of our summer. Only a tiny bit of anxiety is left!!

Baby Visit

Mom doesn't have a home yet. She thinks in a few weeks she will be able to have a place. But this was said several weeks ago. With court next week and no place to live, I think Lovebug is staying put with us for now. I encouraged her today to get that 'place' asap so she would be on track to getting Lovebug back. She is still attending parenting classes. I told her that was great and to keep going. She is not in school. She had an excuse, but truthfully you have to have your life together before you start school. Maybe in the future she will be ready. It would be so easy for me if the courts terminated rights and we adopted Lovebug. But that is what I want, and I what I want is irrelevant. I will encourage Lovebug's mom to get a home and go to school. I don't know if anyone else is encouraging her or not. I love this baby, so naturally I care about her mother. It doesn't look good for her though, 2 years and still hasn't secured a home.

Lazy Summer

We are very lazy this summer. We have to be very careful with Lovebug in the sun, she is still too young to hang outside all day long. Man I wish we had our own pool!!! We have many pool 'options' but we need our own. It's all about not sharing. I don't like sharing pools. I grew up in Florida, and we always had our own pool. It may sound spoiled but I look at it as a safety thing. My kids have contracted some nasty bugs from public/neighborhood pools, so I'd rather have my own pool. Too bad we picked a house with crazy homeowner rules and no pool...oh well--thank goodness for the waterpark (for the big boys). We are still enjoying our summer. I let the kids sleep late, eat outside, and grill out almost everyday. However, I am much busier than last summer! LOL!

I am a little anxious about court next week, it breaks my heart thinking we may only have one more week with her. No one tells you anything. I can't let myself dwell on these feelings, it's a waste of time. What baby mama's requirements are: 1. job (done) 2. housing (will check fri, but I thought this was done) 3. parenting classes (currently taking) 4. therapy (have no idea) 5. cannot be living or having a relationship with baby daddy (this one is unknown--I suspect they are together). To me, it looks like she is on track to get her baby and other child back. The judge may just give her a little more time, or she may send Lovebug home. When you look at the importance of attachment, Lovebug needs to go home to her mom asap. I say that because if that is where she is going anyway, then the sooner the better for Lovebug's attachment. If this case is going to be a revolving door of placement and reunification--then she needs to stay with us. I love this baby so much.

Sleep

We have two babies that sleep through the night n0w. What a wonderful thing sleep is, I have found it once again. Both babies are teething. I think their age gap of 9.5 months is closing in fast! We are going to have twinners here soon! We have a court date next week for Lovebug, small chance she could go home to mom. I am getting all her wash done just in case. I will talk to mom on Friday and see how she is doing.

Peace

I have peace. Becoming a foster family has been one of our families most life changing decisions. There are many emotions and expectations that have to be worked through. You can never fully prepare yourself or your family for how you/they will feel. You will get negative as well as positive love from people. Neither will be accurate. You will not feel as wonderful as people say you are, and you will not be as crazy as people think you are. My emotions in this have been all over the place. Anxiety, panic, fear, love, heartbreak, attachment, happiness, joy, and finally...peace. I have peace. I have no idea if we will keep these babies. If Lovebug will go home to her mom and brother. If a long lost relative will be found for Little Guy. I do know that whatever happens, I do not have control. That gives me peace. It's not up to me. I feel laid back enough to enjoy our life right now. I cannot fret over 'what if's'. As a Christian you are taught that God is in control. Well, living that simple truth is an endeavor that can be a constant struggle.

Baby Mama. I think about her all the time. I look at Lovebug smile and see her mama. I feel so helpless. Of course we will be over the moon if we get to adopt Lovebug...but that is not the plan. Her plan is to be reunified with her mom and brother. I have accepted this and embraced it. Another lesson learned during this journey. What will actually happen, I have no crystal ball. I am not going to speculate. I do know that keeping your expectations low, really helps.

Little Guy is walking, he is a joy. A healthy, well-adjusted one year old. We are blessed to have him. No one has come forward for him. We will be at his court date.

A Positive Story...

An encouraging story from the foster child's view....



http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/203608/foster_care_pros_and_cons_is_it_as.html?singlepage=true&cat=49

Someone call an exterminator...We have a troll infestation!!

Man I crack myself up!! I have been infected...at least my blog has. Just an fyi, trolls are actually Cyber bullies who are mean and insulting to people they don't agree with. In my case, it's parents against the social welfare system, at least the foster care system. I seriously doubt they are against food stamps, assisted housing, or child care subsidies. But anyway, they have left some ignorant comments to my post, feel free to check them out. It's amusing to me that I can bring out such meanness. What's so disturbing is the level of cyber-bullying that these 'adults' engage in. Don't we tell our children not to behave in such a manner?? Shame shame for the bad example you trollies you! They call themselves trolls, then they share their bullying ways with the other trollies in their yahoo groups. It's kinda scary how violent they act. One even wants to know how old my boys are! Creepy!!

So anyway, I really would love to see the birth parents viewpoint. I am open mined, educated, and compassionate. But in everyday life, respect is earned by being respectful. If you disagree with me that is fine. But personal insults, and judgemental accusation just makes you trollies look well, um, what's the word....stupid.

To all my fellow foster parents. You understand me, thank you!!

PS: There is a law against cyber bullying, just ask a teenager.

The Mom likes Me...

So I chit chatted with baby mamma last week. First time I had ever had a chance to talk to her, 3 months we have had her child. I cannot imagine. So anyway, I found out today (through the grapevine) that she really liked talking to me and likes me. I have been thinking about my feelings toward baby mamma. It's a mixture between compassion and impatience. My impatience comes from seeing her children's life basically on hold--for her. My compassion comes from being a mother, a woman, a person. She has no one. No one. She is alone. She has me. I will love her baby. I will encourage her as much as I can. I don't know what else to do. I really don't think she is capable of caring for her children. She loves them, she just cannot provide for them. She can't even keep the electricity on. She is in a dv situation, she has the perfect personality and temperament for her abusive boyfriend. I even had a crazy thought in my head about maybe, possibly an open adoption. I'm sure that is just the mamma in me wanting to keep this baby. I'm trying to be objective. It's hard. I don't know what will happen. It will be up to the judge. We are by far the best place for the baby. That means nothing with reunification. I will continue to encourage baby mamma, but she is lonely and loves that bf. Also, this bf is really bad news. Dangerous abusive. And he will get visits with Lovebug...so not fair.

"That's not your child?"...

"That's not your child?", this is the question I was asked by a social worker who could NOT believe Little Guy was our foster baby, not our baby. "You can't tell him or me that I'm not his mama", that was my reply. "No you cant!", said the social worker (laughing) "I am amazed". I love this.

I Get It...Sort of

Why do parents that have children in foster care insist on silly, unimportant demands when it comes to their children? Oh, because they are 'their' children, 'you are mine', 'I can do what I want with my kids'. This is the mentality and attitude of some parents I have dealt with. Maybe it's a way of keeping control. The problem is that this type of attitude puts the children last (again). The parents aren't caring or seeing what is good and healthy for their kids. That is why they are in foster care to begin with. So why do we continue to give in to all these insane demands? I get it, as far as the parents go- they want control of something that is theirs (the children). How selfish.

Court Dates

I am really so new at all this, and I keep learning more and more...but when it comes to court dates, I really just take them as they come.

Little Guy: July 31st. Motion for PC-if granted they will set a trial date for termination--don't know when trial will be set...

LoveBug: Aug 31st and Sept 1st-Motion for PC-will be very surprised if granted...if so we will be over the moon! Scenario 1: Lovebug goes home, Scenario 2: Lovebug's mom gets more time to get it together, Scenario 3: Times up, trial will be set. (door #3, door #3, door #3...)

Could we possibly get 2 babies adopted this year?? Wow, amazing. That is how we feel on hopeful days full of positive thinking. The truth is we have no idea how this will all play out, we are along for the ride. Throwing our hearts into this is knowing we may get heartbroken, all part of life...

Not to sound too confident, BUT Little Guy is right on track for us to adopt him. I can't suppress my excitement. He already feels like ours and acts like ours.

I think the mama knows how to work it...

So I have been struggling at what to believe about Lovebug's (baby girl) mama situation. I think some experienced foster parents who shared their thoughts with me is right. She knows how to string it along, knows what to say, acts like she just needs more time. She has been doing this for 2 years, that is a long time to stall. I don't understand why the social workers buy into it. I think what made me realize that she is blowing smoke, is the 2 year thing.

Should I??

I want to start my photography business... It's in the works, I just need more planning. What I need is a partner!!!

Love our babies!

Change in Direction...

Okay here's the scoop. Baby girl's mama is 'trying' to obtain housing without her bf (baby's daddy and dv situation). She 'says' she is going to go to parenting classes. This is a step in the right direction for her. If she does what she says she will, then she will be on track to get her baby and her 5 yr old little boy back (he has been in fc for 2 yrs so far--yeah, I know). Her roadblocks:1. The bf- she stated just last week that she wants him back, but stated to the social worker a few days later that they are through. 2. There is a possibility that she is pregnant. She hid baby girl's pregnancy for 6 months, they suspect she may be hiding another-same baby daddy (we think), only time will tell. 3. Her follow through doesn't have a good track record. Her little boy has been in fc for 2 years and she has never followed through on her reunification plan.

Why are they still reunifying after 2 years, 3 children, one already lost to a grandmother, one in fc for 2 years, and dv situation? Beats me, it's the wonderful social system that doesn't make people responsible for their decisions--but that is off topic and emotional ranting. The 5yr old wants to be with his mom, so he has his own attorney. I have no idea what this will mean for his termination case. Basically, he is just supposed to have his mother dangled in front of him for his whole life and of course he loves her. So she can put him behind any bf that comes along--more emotional ranting...

The issue I'm dealing with is in my heart: Baby Girl. I'm worried about her future, we want her to stay with us. If that isn't possible, then I really want to support the mom. I don't know how to reach out to her. I thought about writing her a letter. I don't see her, I drop baby girl off and a visitation aid supervises the visit then brings her back. I just want to encourage her to further her education, use this time to get on her feet. She has no excuse in my book. She has no children at home, no reason to not get it together. So many free programs. Will it do any good? Will I be pleading with someone who doesn't want any better? I don't know. I thought maybe I will give her some pictures of baby girl, then see what happens. That is one of my ideas. They added a second visit each week, so I may end up meeting her eventually. The other thing is, is reaching out to her an okay thing? Will I be seen as overstepping my boundaries? I love baby girl, and because I love her, I care about her mom and her brother. If that is where she is going to grow up, then I want her mom to know that I care about them. I want to see her mom successful in parenting. Am I crazy? I just don't have enough experience to know what to do.

PS: Mom has been evaluated by a psychiatrist several times, they can't find anything wrong with her other than personality disorder--which therapy will not help (according to the doc). So this behavior is a choice. Why does the system want to make excuses for everyone?

Legend: fc- foster care
bf- boyfriend
dv- domestic violence

My Cup Runneth Over...

I look back and think of my yearning, wanting, and impatience of getting a baby, foster parenting, and all the hoops we jumped through. How silly I feel. Our family is blessed beyond words. Our wait was not long, the disappointment of failed placements, the uncertainty, the anxiety of adding to our family, the 'you are insane' comments from family (select few)--that all seems like forever ago. But it isn't, we have only had these for 3 and 2 months. That isn't long, but the time is filled up. Filled up with so much life. There is no doubt that 2 babies is a lot of work. I am exhausted. It's true, my cup runneth over. We are certain we have listened to the call of God and opened our home and hearts to these children. But it isn't without anxiety, second guesses, and fear that we may not be able to adopt one or both of our babies. So while we are very happy, we are also very normal.

A glimpse into my crazy house: Husband woke up this morning with no clean underwear- totally my fault since I refuse to let anyone touch my Bosch washer and dryer.

Tweener son was moving at a snail's pace this morning and expecting me to 1.pack his lunch 2. retrieve his backpack (from who knows where)3. Bring his shoes from the garage to the front door 4. Put his lunch in his backpack 5. Find him socks. What??? I always do #1, the rest is his stuff. So I got the 'you never help me' this morning from him.

During this morning rush, I am feeding Little Guy breakfast, making lunches, making a to go breakfast for husband, and reminding our 9 year old to 'get ready-hurry' (he plays constantly). So monkey (9yr old) is jumping on furniture in between bites of cereal.

Then the teenager comes down--enough said.

Baby girl is being very good, she waits until everyone has settled down then she has her fuss time.

So I get a breather when everyone barely makes the bus (like always), and my homeschooler is working, and the babies are content with their bottles...a 20 minutes time frame in which I try to make myself presentable for my family and the outside world.

Today I am tackling our laundry, since everyone has clean clothes expect my poor husband. I seriously don't know how that happened. He was such a good sport, I offered him my panties--he declined. I feel so bad about it too!!! (him not having clean underwear).

Birthday Boy

Little Guy is one year old today!! How fun it is to have birthday parties. His will be tomorrow afternoon. Our boys are so excited for his birthday, he just fits into our family so perfectly. Timing is everything. Milestones: Standing, walking around furniture, walks with a push toy, says mama, dada, nananana(??), baba. He is a bottle, blanket, and paci stealer. He has a huge personality, very funny and happy baby. He is perfect. Happy Birthday our sweet baby boy!

5

I have 5 children. I find myself saying this ALL the time. With the babies, people say 'oh, you have your hands full!'. I have more than this, I have 5 children. 5 children!!! I love saying it. I have 5, yes 5. And I'm in one piece, imagine that. So why did I tell a lady at my son's gym class that baby girl had 5 brothers??? Yes I said that! The other mom was cooing all over baby girl, and we were talking, and I said, 'she has 5 brothers'. I missed counted! The other mom asked their ages, I told her 15, 12, 9, and 11 months....4 not 5. She didn't say anything just looked at me weird. I still didn't catch my messup. Maybe we need 6 then. Haahaaahaaa! hmmm.....Ethiopia??

The Grocery Store

We call the grocery store the 'groc'. Don't know why, just do. So I hate the groc. I will go to Target and wipe them clean of 'snacks' to avoid the groc. With 2 babies, 2 buggies, it's a nightmare...

The fun part

So baby girl's case in probably going to drag out for at least a year, and then some. Unless mom vanishes, and we don't see that happening. It's such a sad situation. I think she loves her children, she just can't parent them. She always shows up for visits, and says she is going to take the steps needed to get them back. But all she does is show up for visits, nothing else. Nothing else that is required of her. What does this mean? Why does she do this?

13 Years

Today is our anniversary: married 13 years. Yes we have a 15 year old, who we parented while we both lived at home for 2 years before we got married---oh the scandal! Yes, we were the embarrassment of our families. Not only did we get pregnant, but we didn't even 'fix' it by getting married!!! Why? because as young as we were, we knew we wanted to wait to get married. I'm glad we did. To those who have a pregnant teenager, support and help with the baby is the best thing you can do for her and him.

Reflection

As I grab my laptop for a quick post while my babies are napping, I am overcome with joy. I am so busy that I don't have time to blog, or do anything else really. I am lucky to shower or even eat. My laundry has exploded, and I had to boot out my little doggie because I needed a break (don't worry, she is on vacation in Florida with my mom-being spoiled). I know the pain of waiting and wondering of when you will finally get a child. The unknowns, the range of ages, the circumstances, the abuse, the birth parents, the judge, the social workers, your own family. All these things run through your mind, you never tire of listening to other's stories of adoption. You look at baby stuff, toddler stuff, and wonder how old your child will be, boy or girl. It's a state of limbo. Then it happens, and it happens fast and without warning. Just like everyone told you it would.



Adoption was put in my heart October 2007. Not my husbands, just mine. I mostly kept it to myself but started researching everything adoption. December 2007 I realized it wasn't a 'phase', either I was crazy or God was telling me something. January 2008 foster care weighed heavily in my heart, by now I was telling my husband and we would discuss having another child. We researched IVF, vas reversals, and adoption--he was on board. Ethiopia was beginning to boom and I was drawn to it. I couldn't decide on an agency, they all had 'problems' that I couldn't jump over. Now I see that as part of the plan, if we had signed with an agency--we would not have done foster. Months past as we researched and finally we decided to foster and foster adopt. Every where we turned, the foster care system was the answer--even with all it's flaws. May 16 my niece was born, as we all celebrated I was sure I wanted more children. We decided in May to pursue foster licensing. June 2008 it all began---Licensed in January 2009--First placement Feb 2009, second placement 3 weeks later. Our little boy was born May 2008, the same month we decided to begin foster care. Even though I wished everything to go much faster, God knew the right timing. He knew what day both these babies would be delivered to us, and he spent all that time preparing me. It all started with a desire in my heart, that I believe God put there to begin with.

Hercules

Little Guy is called Hercules and Destroyer. Nicknamed by our boys. It's so funny. He is such a little mess! He is wanting to walk so bad, I know it's going to happen any day now. His birthday is this month. We are soooo excited about his birthday. Adoption is around the corner for him and us. Months away still, but we are on track. Still, I am hesistant to get to excited about it...just in case.

So Crazy, yet so happy...

Our life is crazy and busy. But not as busy as some people's. For example, my boys don't like playing team sports. They have played every sport imaginable and even stuck with hockey for several years. But they are older now and don't want to play--music to my ears!!! Don't get me wrong, I love my kids playing sports- but I need a break!!! So since last summer, they have all taken a hiatus of the sports thing. What are we doing now? I'm making them pick something to do!!! LOL! What did they pick? BMX racing. Not bad, practice is at will, races once a week. But the kicker??? The bikes are 200 and up!!! Lame! but oh well. We will see what kind of deal we can find. I'm super excited about this, I love watching the boys do fun stuff and compete. So after our sports break, we are about to be busy again. The craziness is what keeps us sane.

The Weekend is almost here...

I love weekends. So busy and lazy at the same time. Now that it's warmer, we are always outside. Sunshine makes us soooo happy. Our family is getting really attached to Little Guy, he is such a sweet and happy baby!! I am looking for a playgroup for him. There is one in our neighborhood, plus I wanted to put him in a mommy and me class. I love those.

Baby Girl is sick. She has a cough, but no fever and no trouble breathing as far as I can tell. But I'm not a doctor. So I panic, I think she's going to stop breathing. She is smiling, and seems content except for her terrible coughing fits that have her crying and you know it hurts her. It makes me so upset. She is eating fine. The doc says it's a cold and can last up to 2 weeks. It has been almost 1 week already. I'm leaning toward the ER, again (I took her last week). If just for peace of mind. I know the doc doesn't want her on antibiotics, it is better if she can build up antibodies. I agree, but she is so small. My other issue is, if I take her to the ER will she get sicker from there?? ER's creep me out with all the hacking and sick people. I don't want to bring home the flu!!! I hate it when our babies are sick...and I think she got it from me---which makes me feel so terrible :(

Out of the Loop, or just plain LOOPY?!?!

That would be me, I'm just loopy. Actually, as my husband puts it- I'm in La La Land. Little does he know, La La Land keeps me sane. I prefer to say that "I'm so busy and torn into so many different directions and doing fifty things at once that I don't have time to pay attention to my surroundings or answer every question right away because my brain can't process everything at once". So it may appear that I'm in La La Land, but really I'm on a break.

I am finally better, almost. I have a 'nasty' (as the doc put it) ear infection that has had my ear ringing for 5 days now and clogged for 3 weeks. I'm not complain' though, it's been very funny to say 'huh' fifty-million times instead of repeating sentences fifty-million times.

Our babies are so awesome!! I cannot believe we have them, I am so in love with them. We want them forever. Reality? I don't want to think about it. I'm afraid baby girl will go home. It's like a classic case of children who are sent home only to be removed later in horrible condition. Little Guy? I hope I'm not jinxing myself, BUT, I think we may get to keep him. His mom is MIA and is a drug addict who refuses help. Little Guy is making LEAPS and BOUNDS when it comes to his development. He is so smart, cute, and amazing. He is almost ready to walk!! He gives hugs, he puts his arms up to be held, and......drumroll please.......he refuses strangers!!!!!! He will cling to me lightly and has to be given over. That is huge for attachment reasons! I am so happy.

Tomorrow is a baby girl mama and dad visit. I love that baby so much, I will be very upset if she leaves us. Baby girl is super sick. She has a cold, but it's a bad one. I think it's the same one I had, poor baby. I even took her to the ER because I was so worried. The doc said she will be fine, but he isn't up all night holding her in an upright position to keep her from choking on her snot!!! She will be 6 weeks old tomorrow----I can't believe it.

We take Little Guy to a neurologist about the possible seizure. I hope he didn't really have one. I pray his little brain is just fine. I'm so worried about him, and I get so angry knowing what he went through before and after he was born.

Our kids. They are so great, we really have such great boys. They are crazy, lazy, messy, stinky, and eat too much. It's really funny, but can be obnoxious!!! It's just very strange having a teenager and pre-teen. I was a very young mom when I had my first two, and now I'm a young mom of teenagers. They are so sweet, boys are really the sweetest. Our baby (who is 9) is spoiled rotten. I mean a disaster--lol!!! He loves having these babies around, and the biggest perk is being able to play with the baby toys. So it's no surprise to see him zooming around on the pooh bear push ride toy, in the playpen with Little Guy, in the crib with Little Guy, or in the exersaucer. Yes, he climbed in the exersaucer today, I am still laughing about it. Long legged boy is in the baby toy. I made him get out so he wouldn't break it. He is a little 9 yr old, thank goodness. See what I mean about him being our 'baby'? Everything he does is just funny. All the boys help me with these babies, I love to watch them being kind and understanding.

I know this is a horrible long post, I am so glad to be back and writing!!!! Now I swear I can hear someone in the kitchen, probably the teen sneaking food!!!!! Guess I'll go put a stop to that and hopefully get to bed.

I'm Finally Going to the Doctor

After being sick for 3 weeks now, I'm going to the doctor...I now have a earache, sinus pain, and a cough that hurts. I thought I would get better on my own, and I really haven't had time to see the doc! But I'm going, can't fight it. Everyone else is over it, but not me.

Baby Mama Visits

I try to think that the mama visits don't bother me, and they don't too much. The daddy being there bothers me. Why? because he is an abuser. That is all I will say. I pray we keep her. My momma bear instincts are getting stronger every day with these babies.

Testing, visits, and loooong car rides...

That pretty much sums up our day!!! Our homeschooler has achievement testing this week and next. He is on the K12 online school (which we love) and he does have to take state tests. So all day we dropped off and picked up. Fought traffic downtown, and I think Little Guy had a seizure. He was staring into space without moving, no blinking, no nothing. It scared me to death. He did not move when I called his name, I grabbed his leg. He came out of is sort of slowly. He does have staring spells, but this was much much worse than I have ever seen. I don't know if it was a seizure but that is what came to my mind. I wonder if he has been having them all along. More good news? I don't think he has EVER been to the doctor since he was released from the hospital. So I'm waiting to see what the social worker wants me to do. He is fine right now. Poor baby.

Museum

That is where me and Little Guy will be hanging out during baby girl's mama visits. I bought a season pass, and we are hitting the museum 2x a week. I am a total history junkie so it's fun for me! I love museum's and this one has great kid stuff.

Looks like we have a good chance of getting Little Guy. I hope I'm not jinxing myself! uggh!

Baby girl is one month old now. She is growing, stays awake longer and sleeping better (finally).

We bought Little Guy more toys, some push toys so maybe it will help him learn to walk. He seems on target developmentally, which is great considering his birth. We are so lucky to have these babies, and I am so exhausted!

Baby Visit

Baby Girl had her first mama visit today. I'm sure it went well. I dropped her off at the 'station' (that is what it looks like). The visits are supervised. The drive is 40 minutes one way from our home. It's such a pain. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but the location couldn't be worse. It's right downtown, no place to park, no place to hang out for 2 hours with a 10 month old (who right in the middle of his nap and lunch time). See my delimma?? The other news, the judge decided that the mom needs 'make up' visits. So on Thursday we are doing 3 hours instead of 2 hours for a make up visit. Heavy, heavy, heavy sigh...I do have Little Guy here!!! I don't know what to do. I guess I need to scope out a good place to hang that is close by. But seriously, smack downtown has it's limits. We are a little confused about baby girl's case. I have a feeling we are going to lose her. I pray not. Mom has lost 2 other children, but she could get baby girl back. It's all up to the judges and the social workers, they have to do their jobs correctly or these children end up back home again. We may have her for a year, for another week, or forever. I pray it's forever.

Little Guy is amazing. No one suspects he is a drug baby. That is good news, Right?? I'm elated at how 'normal' he is developing.

We love these babies so much. I will be brokenhearted if we lose baby girl. I have given it to God, He knows how I feel. I don't know His plan. I will follow this calling of taking care of foster babies.

We are still here....

We have been very sick, all of us except the baby girl. Thank goodness, she is so tiny I was so worried about her getting sick. So after over a week of head colds, fever, coughing, body aches, and tiredness we are still sick. Yep, still running fevers. But at least everyone is functional now and it is getting better. Just very slowly. Sounds like the flu huh? I don't know though, since no one was throwing up. I am just sure is was some kind of super bug.

Our babies are doing great, we love them so much. Little Guy is attaching, he reaches for me to pick him up, and he lets me rock him and he lays on my shoulder. He is such a blessing. Baby girl is growing. She sees her mama today. I have mixed emotions on that. I feel for the mom. I'm glad she gets to see her baby. As far as reunification, that is the plan but it's unclear if that will happen. It will be a rocky road. Anything can happen, I am not going to speculate.

Babies born addicted to drugs

I have found myself right in the middle of this social crisis. Not only was one of my foster baby's born drug positive, but we love him and want to keep him if that is the what the future holds. That being said, it's so frustrating to know what to expect in these children. I had one nurse tell me that most issues are neurological, one person told me that you may not see signs of problems until after age 3. So unknowns it what seems to be the common denominator. One of my bloggy pals sent me some great info. I am going to post links to that info for anyone who needs it. Knowledge is power.

http://www.adoptionconnection.org/newsletter_drug_exposed.asp


http://www.adoptmed.org/topics/prenatal-opiate-exposure.html


http://www.adoptmed.org/our-services/


These babies are our future. This is a social problem that affects our babies. I get so angry about it that I don't have much sympathy for drug users.

Sick

I'm sick, the mamma. When the mamma is sick it's not good. I don't know what happened, I was fine then bam a sore throat, headace, and runny nose. Thank goodness for daytime cold meds. Even still, I am so exhausted and I can't stop cause I'm the mamma! LOL! I'm glad I'm the mamma, even when I'm sick. No one else is sick though, strange.

Mama said there would be days like this...or did she?

I am soooooo tired. Seriously, tired zombie like state. 5 children. We have 5 children and one is a new born. Our little guy is 10 months old now and into everything. He absolutely needs 100% supervision. He is a great sleeper, so during the day he is on the go. Baby is a night owl, and a great sleeper during the day. See my dilemma??? But it's all good, of course. I am in a trance, but wouldn't have it any other way. Although a maid, cook, and nanny sound pretty darn good right now.

This only gets better...

Hmmm seems that one of my baby's mom is Hep C pos. What does this mean for my baby here? We should have been told of this. I will get all the records mon or tues. His records did not say he was hep c pos. But it did say he was tested. Results were not there or something. I was getting the records read to me over the phone. So now what? What are the chances of this? Dear God, please let this baby be neg for Hep C. I am so worried. Why weren't we told? Unless baby is neg?

I have to get real here

I made up my mind that we are going to be able to keep baby girl. This is dangerous. It isn't for sure. I am taking info and making logical sense out of it in order for it to go our way. So we get what we want. I mean, logically if you are losing one child (involuntarily), then you would lose your others. Logically. What exactly are we dealing with here? I don't want to be disrespectful, but, COME ON! They (meaning who exactly? the Judges, the social system) actually make deals with children's lives. I'll take this one and you can keep that one. I know you didn't treat this one very well, but try to take care of the one you want to keep. Yes I am being very sarcastic here. But what does anyone expect? I know it could go the other way just as easy. Maybe I'm not really for reunification. I thought I could be sympathetic and encouraging. The thing is, I really am for reunification. If the parent/parents are willing to do the work. Not when they bargain this child for that one. If Little Guy's mom gets it together (it will not be easy) then I know that she worked hard for herself and her baby. If a parent gets their child back by default, then that is a problem. I realize that we are going to have to put up with this kind of stuff, we are dealing with government at it's finest. Knowing it is not the same as living it. It's frustrating and heartbreaking.

Methadone/Heroine addicted at birth

Where is the best place to find info about methadone/heroine addicted babies and their long term affects??? I have searched and searched but was wondering if anyone had any better info I can find.

I'm attached

It's done, I'm attached to both babies. Not just me, but foster daddy and our own boys. I knew it would happen, I just didn't know that I would enjoy it so much. We found out that Little Guy's grandma is not getting him anytime soon. She is not 'approved'.

It's amazing how protective I am over these babies. They are mine, I love them. Now I really intellectually 'know' that they are not mine, and that they are on a 'reunification' plan, BUT, they are mine and no one can tell me different. Their mom's should be happy that I love them and that I claim them. If I couldn't take care of one of my children, then I would want a mom for him that wanted him, claimed him, and loved him. That is the love that mom's have when they put their children up for adoption, it's selfless.

In other news. I'm tired. Really tired. Sleepless nights for a week now has taken it's toll. I go to bed somewhere between 12am and 1am- up 3 times before 7am, then up for good at 7am. Little Guy only takes 2 naps that last only 1 hour each!! UGGH!! So no nap for me. I am going to try to go to be earlier, it's just been a crazy week. I stole a 30 minute nap today, I was elated about it too---

Time for TV??

So I am missing all my shows!! Big Love just wrapped up it's season, and I was able to watch all of those (because I'm obsessed), but all the other 'shows' I don't have time to watch. I am getting AI updates on Good Morning America, and has Dancing with the Stars even started yet?? I am so out of the loop! One show I really wanted the see was the Mommyhood show, has anyone seen it? Is it funny?? I could dvr all these shows, but then I would be pressured to watch and that's like reading yesterday's newspaper. One show I watch on HGTV on Sunday mornings is this landscaping show. This guy hangs out at Home Depot type stores and gives away a whole backyard landscape thing. I love it, maybe because I'm dying to redo our backyard.

I really should be exhausted, but I only get really tired midday. I can't get to the grocery store though, so I've been feeding the kids mac n cheese (my fav), soup, sandwiches, and pancakes. So not a healthy week. But with a newborn dropped off by the stork, what else is to be expected!! lol!

Theoretically Speaking, of course

What if a parental rights are being terminated and during this time the mother has another child. Legally speaking, the parental rights will be terminated for that child too? It may depend on your state.

So Little Guy is very whiny, he is teething...
A few more observations, he is really attached to his bottle. It's his comfort-he prefers this over people. Today he let me rock him, first time. He will not lay on your shoulder when he is tired, he wants a blanket to rub. He does reach for me and foster daddy, and wants us over others. But in his time of distress he self soothes.

Baby Girl is doing so well. She is staying awake longer each day. She is 6 days old today. I am so blessed.

Okay, I have a second

Both babies are asleep for a nap, amazing. So we got baby girl and she was ONE day old, not two! She is 3 days old today. She is healthy. Of course she is beautiful, sweet, perfect baby girl. I haven't slept much, she gets up every 4 hours at night. If she isn't up, then I am up making sure she is breathing. So even is she slept through the night, I wouldn't. My boys are amazing with both babies. They want to adopt both of them, of course!

So Little Guy had a doctor visit. Drug abuse in newborns has long lasting affects. That is all I am going to say. I am really angry about the whole situation.

I love that I chose this path, I love that I listened to my heart, I love that I listened to God's call. What happens next is not in my control, nor do I want control. I am expecting heartbreak when these children go home. I want to keep them though.

Life Just got Crazy!

Here's the scoop:
Phone call: We have a baby GIRL, 2 days old healthy, will you take her? One word response (after picking myself off of the floor in the middle of the restaurant) YES!!! Then panic, anxiety, and thrill has set in. Off to the store to buy another crib. I don't have much info on her, I do know drugs are involved. I am waiting for her to arrive. I am in disbelief and wondering how much am I going to miss my sleep. I don't know how long we will have her, but we will love her. 2 DAYS old!! My first girl ever too. I am so overwhelmed that I have a fever. Deep breaths.

He is still with us

I am starting to open up to the possibility that this baby will be with us for awhile. Of course I want to keep him as long as I possibly can, but what is best for him? Right now, what is best for him is being with our family. He is learning and growing with kindness, patience, and love. No, he was not treated that way at home. I am thinking ahead in term of weeks vs days. I can't think about him leaving, because it worries me. When he does go home, I have to trust that his mom has worked hard for him and he will be loved. I choose to not dwell on the future and we are all loving this baby today.

As far as the other 'family member', nothing has gone forward--hmmm....yippee!

The Weekend

It's the weekend and we are just hangin' out waiting for some warm weather to finally come along. Our oldest is still sleeping and the rest of the crew is up and running. If the sun comes out we are going on a Saturday stroll. It will be nice to finally get outside!!! I don't know about the 'person' who wants this baby, I'm not asking about it until next week. Things move slow and I doubt anyone even knows anything anyway. This baby is so cute. I can't help but gush about him.

Dear Sarah Thompson

Hello Sarah,
I am very flattered that you read my blog. I am even more flattered that you comment on it. I am being serious, not sarcastic. I understand that you disagree with foster care and that is fine. There are some serious flaws in the foster system. But please understand this. I am here protecting this baby. I want him to go to home to his mommy. All children deserve to be wanted and loved and protected by their biological parents. But what if this doesn't happen? What if mommy has a drug addiction that is stronger than her mommy instinct? Who protects and loves and wants this baby? Do you know that meth addiction causes an increased sexual desire? Do you know that children are raped by meth addicts and are even 'given' in exchange for their parents' drugs? Do you want to pick up the pieces of a 2 yr old baby that has been raped? Make no mistake here, no one took this baby from his mother. She chose to not take care of him. I am all for reunification, but the biological parents need to be for it first. When mom has visits with baby she shouldn't be chronically late (everytime), she should bring with her diapers, formula, and baby food, she should be worried and concerned about how her baby is doing, she should change his diaper when she has him. When a mother wants her child, she shows it by mothering. If she doesn't know how to mother, then she needs to be taught. As for the fathers, well that is another social issue our society has. I am aware that some people get offended when others express their religious beliefs. I really am not sure why you harbor so much anger, but you are not alone. I am very thankful that I am a foster mom. I love being a mommy to this baby. I also love being a mom to my own children and I am very thankful for them. If it's the foster care system that has you riled up, then I understand that too. There is no perfect solution. The only one I can see is to diligently seek good foster homes. I do believe that God has called us to love hurting children. Not just my family, but everyone's. If those hurting children are your own, well then you know where to start.

Disclaimer: In no way am I implying that my situation includes a parent addicted to meth. I was simply explaining the facts of meth addiction and using cases that I am close to as examples.

Someone Else has come forward

Yep, another 'person' has come forward to say they want to take care of Little Guy. I just have a feeling, like they are going to take him from us any day now. I know it's part of it, but I am human and I do have feelings and it hurts. It's my choice, but it's still no less painful. My thinking is that this 'person' will not go through all the trouble to get Little Guy. If they do, then maybe they are right for him. I don't think so, but I am partial to myself. Regardless, it will be at least a month before they would be an 'approved' home. So that makes me relax just a little. This 'person' is not related and has never seen "Little Guy". I really can't think about it, maybe it's a survival technique. These are the facts I'm faced with and I deal with it one day at a time. At first I was outraged (to say the least). Now I have just surrendered to the One who led me here in the first place. My God. I don't know the plan for Little Guy, and if we are only able to love him now then that is what we are doing.

I love the weekends

I love the weekends with this baby because I know I will not get a call telling us he is leaving. We are foster and foster to adopt. The thing is with the whole foster to adopt is the risk. Since we are foster and foster to adopt, we will have children who are in reunification. No one ever knows what will happen, this baby we have could end being a foster to adopt baby. We don't know, but if he does then we have him and we will have a good chance of adoption. If he does go home or with his grandma, then we at least gave him a loving and safe home for as long as we could. Everyday is getting harder for me, I am allowing myself to mother this baby with no reservations. I know I am going to be a mess when he leaves us, and the longer he stays the harder it will be to say goodbye. So why do I get so attached? Why not keep a 'wall' up in order to protect myself? Because I cannot be a good mother to this baby without getting attached to him. I have to meet his needs, physical and emotional. If you can't risk yourself for the good of another person, then you can't give them everything they need and deserve. It's not fair that children are abused and neglected. It's disgusting and shameful. Until our society learns to protect and value our children, then we will always be picking up the pieces of these children's lives.

I am nervous when the phone rings. But the weekends are peaceful and happy. I really do want what is best for this baby. I wish his mom to get better, he needs his mother. But where is the line? How much do these children need to endure? We have thrown ourselves into this with only one sure thing: heartbreak.

Taking one day at a time...

We still have this baby, and looks like we will for many months. I can only go by what is actually happening, so we have him today. If I get in my head we will have him for 6 months and we don't...well, you know. So one day at a time (sweet Jesus) that song always pops in my head when anyone says 'one day at a time'. I suspect G-ma will eventually get this baby. Just when is the question. We are supporting that, unless there is reason not to. We got a mac-daddy stroller that is sweeeettt!! I can't wait to take this baby on a walk today, it is going to be warm and sunny.

My kids love this baby. They want to 'keep' him!! So sweet. We tell them that he is going home, we don't know when but he is.

The baby sling works great for vacuuming!!! But he is sooo heavy I can't wear it for too long, or maybe I am out of practice.

I THINK we are keeping him

I'm so unsure of anything I'm told because of all the 'possible' avenues these things can take. Little Guy is staying with us (for now). It did not work out with gma--but it may at a later date (that is my feeling). He is too little right now, she needs help and I'm glad she can admit that. So unless another relative comes forward, passes the fingerprint and background check we have him 'till further notice!!! I'm so happy. He is such a sweet baby. He is teething and is very fussy. I finally found a pediatrician to take him, it was unreal at the issue I had finding a ped! No one takes Medicaid or they don't want any more Medicaid patients. So unless I wanted to drive to timbuktwo I found only ONE dr who would take him. Thank goodness he is taking him and he is 5 min away. So perfect. FYI, this doc was a former foster child--I saw it on his bio. As for mom, she is not making her court appearances (sick). So we will see what happens over the next few weeks.

Still Don't Know

We still don't know what grandma is going to do. She feels the responsibility to take this baby, but is overwhelmed by their situation. We offered to keep the baby until she can plan and get ready for him. She really has reservations because he is so young. I cannot blame her. She doesn't want to be drug through the system only for her to lose the baby also. For now he is here and he is loved.

Busy Busy

This baby is teething like crazy!!! He is opening up and so relaxed now. He is very happy and loves to make noise. I should know something this afternoon about the g-ma, we may only have him for 2 more weeks. I'm sure it's best. The baby has a big sister that lives with g-ma. Only God knows what is best. I get really upset knowing how children go back to drug dependent parents.

My nephew is out of hospital, he went home yesterday. Thank you so much for your concern, this blogging thing can be amazing. He is still sick, but much much much better.

In other not related news: The BACHELOR--I stayed up super late and watched the after show thing. I could NOT believe he did that to Melissa!! He is insane! Why did he cry so much?? What a joke, he just does that for sympathy! No wonder he is divorced. It's such a set up anyway, but still. He should have picked Molly from the get go. Uggh!! Can't believe I got into that!!

My other show obsession in Big Love, I totally ordered HBO just for that show!!!!
Now that Bachelor is over, Dancing with the Stars--but I don't know if I can stomach watching Steve-O--he is creepy!!!! heehee!

Mama Visit

So Little Guy went to visit mom today. She was 1 1/2 hours late for her 2 hour visit. So that gave her a 30 min visit. She did manage to feed him a pop tart, but not change his diaper. So when I got him back he threw up and his clothes were soaked and his diaper was dirty. I know it could have been worse. But things like this is what drives moms crazy. He has had a bath and he is about to nap. Hope the next visit is better. We may be losing him. His g-ma has stepped forward. I will know tomorrow...

A baby sling??

I think I need a sling to carry this baby! He is so big, I need help holding him!LOL! I'm teasing, but he is heavy at a whopping.....26 pounds!!! The nurse said he should be around 20, for his height. I'm afraid if I get a sling, he will never leave it. He already wants me to hold him all the time. We are working on his leg strength, so floor time is necessary. I thought maybe a playpen, then he could learn to pull up without danger of hitting his head (like a table). I just don't want him to hate the playpen and cry to get out. We never used playpens. Right now, everyone just sits and plays with him, or he is being held. He naps a lot (3 a day) so I am super spoiled with this baby!