I am sad

Okay, so I am sad about not getting the girls. Maybe I'm just being over emotional. We are planning on adopting sooner or later. "Whenever it works out" is what I've been saying. I act so nonchalant about the whole thing, but really I am so ready to have our daughter. You know, the one you imagine in your head but ends up nothing like that. This adoption thing is the underlying and hopeful reason; it is underneath all the classes, dr visits, interviews, and inspections. I have tried to bury it to keep myself from getting too dissappointed or hurt. But I can't. The nagging little tug in my heart is there. These girls were expected to be tpr'd and adoptable in the near future. I just really hope that they went to a foster-adopt family that will keep them. They were being switched from their current foster home because the foster parents worked and couldn't handle all the visitation, and they didn't want to adopt. So I hope whoever they put them with will keep them. The thing is, I would've taken them the day they called. I have prayed and prayed, and I really am convinced that this was how it was supposed to be. I am not bitter, angry, or even upset. I am just a little sad. The crazy thing that really surprises me is the concern I have for these children that I don't know. That is something that other foster parents talk about, but I didn't understand. Now I do. Of course I care about the children, and want to help, and blah blah blah. But this concern I have for their well being is not something I had before. It's deeper than caring. It's love. So now instead of buying that pink crib I wanted to badly, I am waiting for the phone to ring...once again. I am so pitiful huh? LOL! Fine, I am done wallowing in self pity.
On another subject. Schools have been shut down all week!!! Tues-today! If I had known that, I would've escaped to my mom's house in Florida!! But then again, maybe I wouldn't have because I was waiting on the call for the girls. I am a slave to my agency!!

Not Getting Them

I got a call a few minutes ago. The girls' social worker has been on vaca (hmmm, weird I was told she was in a training class). So anyway, the social worker is on vaca, and someone else placed them with another family. The social worker did not tell anyone about us. So she tells our agency. They are very very very sorry, and they are still looking for us. I was trying to stay upbeat on the phone, but I was sad. I am okay though, I had a feeling. UGGH!!!! I must be being flogged here!! This is my foster parent initiation....

One Week, No News, No Surprise

I can't believe this has dragged out for a week without any news. I guess I should assume that another family was picked, or they haven't made a decision. Of course the snow and ice storm has shut everything down, and the social workers have not been able to get into work. Today is better, main roads are clear, but no doubt everything else is slowed down. So they may not be placed by Feb 1st. due to the snow storm. We may still be in the running and I just don't know it. As for today, we are on day 3 of snow days so I need more food and I really need to clean house. I am okay if we don't get these girls, I knew the unknowns when I signed up. It is what it is, but I can't help getting excited. It's who I am, I react before I think sometimes. So the next time I get a call, it will probably be the same drill: OMG, OMG, I'm sooo excited, I can't believe it, I have to shop!...you get the picture.

A Watched Phone Never Rings

Or so it seems. I am still waiting, and the sad part will be after all this waiting to be told they are not coming. I resolved myself to that reality, that way I will be mostly over it by the time they tell me. Today is a snow day, so the boys are home and they will not stop eating!!! OMG! By 10:30 this morning they had eaten twice already, and now I just fed them again!!!! I know the joke of 'growing boys eating you out of house and home" but jeesh! Do they have to wander in the kitchen every 5 minutes?? The truth is, they are as big as me (except for our youngest of course). And they are in constant competition! Who can lift the couch higher, who can pick up the youngest brother higher, who can pick up mom, who has the most ice cream, who has the most of any food, who is better on xbox. See what I'm up against? A house full of boys is chaotic, loud, revolves around poo, and is very fun.

Shopping

That store, Crazy 8 is owned by Gymboree. An fyi for those who care. I just found this store. It's much cheaper than Gymboree, like the Old Navy to the The Gap.

Back to Life, Back to Reality...

What I know is: 1.The social worker for the girls is in training last Fri and today, 2. She isn't too concerned because they don't need placement for a week (strange-a week is soooo long when you are changing homes), 3. They have their feelers out for several different foster homes (the bad news-we have competition), 4. Our file was requested (good news?), 6. My agency hopes to know something by tomorrow (I'm breathing-this mama is not holding her breath), 7. I hate competition, 8. What if they don't pick us? I am a sore loser. That is it, I'm done being a baby about this. I am going to pray about it. That seems to help the most. If we get these children, it will be the right thing and same if we don't. 9. I so want to shop!
Also, went to the mall and found this cute store called Crazy 8, really cute kids clothes.

Still Waiting....of course!

Uggh! I didn't hear anything yesterday. Nada, nothing, not a peep. Our agency told the children's social worker that we would take them (Thurs). When our agency gets a call back from the social worker then we will be called to say if they are coming or not. This is torture! Now the wheels are turning in my head, what if the girls' social worker put out calls to more than our agency? At first I just assumed we were the only ones, but I bet they put feelers out there for several homes. I'm okay with not being picked (but I will be dissappointed) my issue comes with the WAITING! The not knowing, the uncertainty, the one week I have to get ready but I don't know if they are coming so I can't really do anything but wait waiting. That is my anxiety! So today, I am taking my boys to a movie and going to the mall. How am I going to restrain myself from buying some girl stuff? This actually would be perfect to get them stuff, but I don't know for sure if they are coming. UGGH!! What I do know is that: They need a home on Feb 1st. We said yes. It will be over one way or another in a week. A week isn't that long. I have nothing for girls. I am a girl, so I am so excited to shop for these little girls. I can get through this weekend without stressing. I can wait until I hear something before freaking out. I am not in control at all. I can focus on the important issue, that these girls have the best home for them.

I really think my anxiety is all about shopping, lol! Deep breath, more deep breaths....sigh. If they do spring this on us at the last minute, it will be fine. Target is only 2 miles away. I am taking my boys to a movie, and waiting for my girls! I need to stop!!!

Possible Placement

I am buzzing with excitement, even though I know I should be cautious. Possible placement call today, 2 girls ages 1 and 3!!! We will not know for sure for a few days. Possible adoption situation--possible--in the far future. Right now I am only thinking of this as a possible placement, I can't get too ahead of myself. I am hoping we get these little girls, but it isn't for sure yet. So now I wait...and pray for the best. If we are picked, we will get them Feb 1st. I have one word--SHOPPING!!!! You can't imagine how excited I am to shop. I have 3 boys and no girls! I am ecstatic, but trying to stay composed on the outside. Remember, we may NOT get them. Calm down, please.

Maybe I was a little harsh yesterday...

I really spilled my frustrations yesterday with how people judge me about my decision to foster. I really do agree with some of my blogging buddies, that fostering is a calling and others may not understand that. From that perspective, it's easier to extend a little patience to others who question. It's not like I shout out from the rooftop that we are foster parents (to be). Matter of fact, I try to avoid telling anyone unless I feel like it's their business. My neighbors have no idea, my husband's family found out just last month, and people at church do know. But somehow word has gotten out rather quickly, and I think my kids have spread the word (lol). So more people know, which is just as well...but now I start running into the criticism. I don't need to explain myself. That needs to be my rule. We are scared, anxious, and nervous about keeping foster children. Who wouldn't be? But we have thought, researched, and discussed it for 2 years before we decided to do it. It is heavy on our hearts, and that is all that matters. Now we wait, we are being considered every time our agency gets a call. Don't know how long it will take. After all, they tell you that you will wait a loooong time for babies---

"I Could Never..."

I have to say something about this. You know who they are, the people who respond to foster parents with, "I could never do that, I would get too attached". So the foster parent must be incapable of attachment, love, compassion. Because if the foster parent is attached to a child they have to let go, then why would they choose to foster? Oh, wait a minute, it's the MONEY! Of course!!! Why else would you crazy people be foster parents?? I think people really mean,"How can you keep children then give them back? Do you even care? Do you do it for the money?". These are the questions they want to ask, but don't dare. So they say it nicely with, "I would be too attached, blah blah blah....". Whatever. Not to be mean, but they have no idea. It's not just foster parents that face such bias, adoptive parents (how much did you pay for your child?), bi-racial or multi-ethnic families face the same type of questions. Foster parents get such a bad stereotype because we do get a check in the mail. There are bad foster parents, no doubt about it. But there are many more bad parents, and that is the truth. I will have to put up with bio parents, social workers, judge's, visitation, agencies, cps, teachers, principle's, and of course the abuse/neglect itself that was done to our foster child. While putting up with all those other people, I am expected to teach, comfort, love, discipline, encourage, bathe, feed, and basically 'adopt' this hurt child as my own. My children are expected to 'adopt' this child as their sibling with no questions asked, my children have to share their parents. The truth is, these children are innocent. As a society, we need to value and love our children. When we are allowed to abuse, hurt, and devalue our children - our society is doomed to failure. I know the system is flawed, I know social workers have it hard, I know judges return children to parents that are no good. I know this. I know there are foster parents who have no buisness being foster parents. I know there are overzealous child protective services that remove children at will, I know that as a foster parent I am stepping into a world filled with pain. I will be changed, my husband will be changed, my children will be changed. We are choosing foster parenting because we care about the children. There is no other answer, that is it- plain and simple. We will get attached, we will get angry at the injustice. Please don't ask me about the money. If you want to know, become a foster parent and get your own check. If it's that important to you. I don't mean to sound harsh, I haven't even recieved any money for being a foster parent because we don't have a placement yet. But I have been asked many times how much money I get, I have been told countless times how others could not do what we do (and we haven't even done it yet! LOL). They are probably right, they couldn't do it. But not for the reason they think, not because they would get 'too attached', but because it's not enough money.

So Quiet

So our agency lady told me a week or so more....what??? I must be confused on what is going on. Our paperwork has been sent in to the Capitol, signed off on and yada yada. I guess it takes a few weeks to be 'official'. I really don't know and I'm tired of asking. So I am not asking, I am waiting. If something is wrong, they will call me (well, maybe not actually). It will happen soon enough, and then I only thought I was busy. It will be really crazy here if we add a few more kids to the mix. In the meantime, I am reading my books. Love Dare (so gooood), Twilight, Keeping the Faith, The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers, and my Psych book for school. I am a total book worm and I have several books going at once, all the time. Our oldest has had a great homeschool week so far. I am sneaking in extra work, and he is getting it done. We are trying to have him finished by May. Early summer for him. Then he is going to work at his grandmother's bakery for the summer. Next year it's back to school, brick and morter, for him. I will be sad, but happy. The teenage years are so up and down. Our middle and youngest sons are begging to be homeschooled...lol.

All I Know...

Yesterday our file was signed off on by the head of our agency. Which means our file should go to the capital of our state, sit on a desk, and wait for a license number. If the agency wants to place a child/children with us then they can call the office of where our file sits and get a license number. Breathing easy?? No, my house is a disaster after the holidays!!! We have company coming this weekend (my inlaws and BIL and SIL who are waiting for a China baby). We have shared the news with them (only 2 weeks ago, yikes). We kept putting off telling them because they are so excited about their own baby, which is going to take a long time to get. They have no children, we have 3. They have been so supportive, I just didn't want to share and something happen and us not get licensed, blah blah. My reasons are endless I suppose. I am so excited to finally be in line to get a call!! I told myself I would NOT act like this but I think it's impossible not to! What if we get a call while we have all this company??? Nevermind, me and my 'what if's' will drive everyone nuts, especially me! I just know I need to clean, study (I'm working on my BA and I have homework tonight--on top of everything else!). So here's to being so busy that my head is spinning, I prefer it to being bored. Cheers!
Also, in regards to learning to live in the present. Today I was helping my oldest son with his vocabulary (he is homeschooled), and he kept rambling on and on about other stuff. He talks constantly and it can be a struggle to keep him on task (ADD). So I was getting frustrated, interrupting his stories, and trying to rush him through his vocab. Then I remembered what was important, not the vocab. Him, he needs to feel listened too. So I shut my mouth. I listened to his stories and thoughts, his mind was working and he had lots of things on his mind. With ADD this is ALL the time. Then I would say, 'Let's look at the next word', and he would. We got through vocab, he did his vocab worksheet, didn't miss any! It just took longer than I wanted it too, but maybe I didn't know what I wanted. What did my son talk about? Religion, sin, God, forgiveness, heaven, witchcraft, World War II, Germany, Russia, Nazi's, Jews, Holocaust, Africa, and missionaries. Some of this was triggered by his vocab words, then the topics just snowball. He is a joy to talk to, I am thankful for him.

How Did Respite Go? Great!

Last Friday we had the 2 little guys, ages 2 and 4. The foster parents dropped them off early Fri, and picked them up late Sunday!!! The baby was tiny, diagnosed 'failure to thrive' he was 2 but was the size of a skinny 1yr old. Very sweet baby, loved our 12 yr old, he sucked his fingers, laughed a ton, and was loud! The 4 yr old was very loud too, very sweet, loved our 8 yr old son, cleared his plate from the table on his own! They both said 'thank you' all the time. The 4 yr old was very scared to be alone and to use the bathroom. He had a few 'wet' accidents. The foster parents were amazing. The boys were so 'normal' because of the foster parents. Not that they are without issues, but they were very loving. These children will be drug through the system until they are exhausted. God willing they will find an adoptive home, if they become tpr. They are in a reunification program with the mom, but not going as good as hoped. It's anyones guess at this point. We loved having them, even though it was nearly impossible to shower!!! LOL!!!

Out with the old, in with the new!

New Year, new clothes, new shoes, new organization, new toys, new recipes, new workout routine, new goals, new start...that is what my new year will consist of. Month by month the new will fade away and once again give in to the old. LOL! The new workout routine will slowly wane, the new goals will get old, the new toys will become broken, the new recipes no one will like. Wow I sound very depressing!!! My point is, I have such great intentions, but it doesn't really last. Change comes slowly, not all at once. I started jogging 6 months ago, I yo-yo back and forth, I take weeks off, then I get back to it. Now it's more of a routine, but it didn't happen all at once. I may go 3 weeks without running again, but I will not give up entirely. This year, my biggest change will come from within. Within myself, I will learn to live in the moment, cherish my children, love my husband, and take care of myself. Of course these are things I have been doing, but I want to feel them more deeply, more passionately, more consistently. I want more life to my life. My God will help me, renew my strength, teach me patience, show me perseverance, give me love for others. I will fall, I will lose interest, and I may even be mean sometimes. But I will get up and try again, all year long.