Mama said there would be days like this...or did she?

I am soooooo tired. Seriously, tired zombie like state. 5 children. We have 5 children and one is a new born. Our little guy is 10 months old now and into everything. He absolutely needs 100% supervision. He is a great sleeper, so during the day he is on the go. Baby is a night owl, and a great sleeper during the day. See my dilemma??? But it's all good, of course. I am in a trance, but wouldn't have it any other way. Although a maid, cook, and nanny sound pretty darn good right now.

This only gets better...

Hmmm seems that one of my baby's mom is Hep C pos. What does this mean for my baby here? We should have been told of this. I will get all the records mon or tues. His records did not say he was hep c pos. But it did say he was tested. Results were not there or something. I was getting the records read to me over the phone. So now what? What are the chances of this? Dear God, please let this baby be neg for Hep C. I am so worried. Why weren't we told? Unless baby is neg?

I have to get real here

I made up my mind that we are going to be able to keep baby girl. This is dangerous. It isn't for sure. I am taking info and making logical sense out of it in order for it to go our way. So we get what we want. I mean, logically if you are losing one child (involuntarily), then you would lose your others. Logically. What exactly are we dealing with here? I don't want to be disrespectful, but, COME ON! They (meaning who exactly? the Judges, the social system) actually make deals with children's lives. I'll take this one and you can keep that one. I know you didn't treat this one very well, but try to take care of the one you want to keep. Yes I am being very sarcastic here. But what does anyone expect? I know it could go the other way just as easy. Maybe I'm not really for reunification. I thought I could be sympathetic and encouraging. The thing is, I really am for reunification. If the parent/parents are willing to do the work. Not when they bargain this child for that one. If Little Guy's mom gets it together (it will not be easy) then I know that she worked hard for herself and her baby. If a parent gets their child back by default, then that is a problem. I realize that we are going to have to put up with this kind of stuff, we are dealing with government at it's finest. Knowing it is not the same as living it. It's frustrating and heartbreaking.

Methadone/Heroine addicted at birth

Where is the best place to find info about methadone/heroine addicted babies and their long term affects??? I have searched and searched but was wondering if anyone had any better info I can find.

I'm attached

It's done, I'm attached to both babies. Not just me, but foster daddy and our own boys. I knew it would happen, I just didn't know that I would enjoy it so much. We found out that Little Guy's grandma is not getting him anytime soon. She is not 'approved'.

It's amazing how protective I am over these babies. They are mine, I love them. Now I really intellectually 'know' that they are not mine, and that they are on a 'reunification' plan, BUT, they are mine and no one can tell me different. Their mom's should be happy that I love them and that I claim them. If I couldn't take care of one of my children, then I would want a mom for him that wanted him, claimed him, and loved him. That is the love that mom's have when they put their children up for adoption, it's selfless.

In other news. I'm tired. Really tired. Sleepless nights for a week now has taken it's toll. I go to bed somewhere between 12am and 1am- up 3 times before 7am, then up for good at 7am. Little Guy only takes 2 naps that last only 1 hour each!! UGGH!! So no nap for me. I am going to try to go to be earlier, it's just been a crazy week. I stole a 30 minute nap today, I was elated about it too---

Time for TV??

So I am missing all my shows!! Big Love just wrapped up it's season, and I was able to watch all of those (because I'm obsessed), but all the other 'shows' I don't have time to watch. I am getting AI updates on Good Morning America, and has Dancing with the Stars even started yet?? I am so out of the loop! One show I really wanted the see was the Mommyhood show, has anyone seen it? Is it funny?? I could dvr all these shows, but then I would be pressured to watch and that's like reading yesterday's newspaper. One show I watch on HGTV on Sunday mornings is this landscaping show. This guy hangs out at Home Depot type stores and gives away a whole backyard landscape thing. I love it, maybe because I'm dying to redo our backyard.

I really should be exhausted, but I only get really tired midday. I can't get to the grocery store though, so I've been feeding the kids mac n cheese (my fav), soup, sandwiches, and pancakes. So not a healthy week. But with a newborn dropped off by the stork, what else is to be expected!! lol!

Theoretically Speaking, of course

What if a parental rights are being terminated and during this time the mother has another child. Legally speaking, the parental rights will be terminated for that child too? It may depend on your state.

So Little Guy is very whiny, he is teething...
A few more observations, he is really attached to his bottle. It's his comfort-he prefers this over people. Today he let me rock him, first time. He will not lay on your shoulder when he is tired, he wants a blanket to rub. He does reach for me and foster daddy, and wants us over others. But in his time of distress he self soothes.

Baby Girl is doing so well. She is staying awake longer each day. She is 6 days old today. I am so blessed.

Okay, I have a second

Both babies are asleep for a nap, amazing. So we got baby girl and she was ONE day old, not two! She is 3 days old today. She is healthy. Of course she is beautiful, sweet, perfect baby girl. I haven't slept much, she gets up every 4 hours at night. If she isn't up, then I am up making sure she is breathing. So even is she slept through the night, I wouldn't. My boys are amazing with both babies. They want to adopt both of them, of course!

So Little Guy had a doctor visit. Drug abuse in newborns has long lasting affects. That is all I am going to say. I am really angry about the whole situation.

I love that I chose this path, I love that I listened to my heart, I love that I listened to God's call. What happens next is not in my control, nor do I want control. I am expecting heartbreak when these children go home. I want to keep them though.

Life Just got Crazy!

Here's the scoop:
Phone call: We have a baby GIRL, 2 days old healthy, will you take her? One word response (after picking myself off of the floor in the middle of the restaurant) YES!!! Then panic, anxiety, and thrill has set in. Off to the store to buy another crib. I don't have much info on her, I do know drugs are involved. I am waiting for her to arrive. I am in disbelief and wondering how much am I going to miss my sleep. I don't know how long we will have her, but we will love her. 2 DAYS old!! My first girl ever too. I am so overwhelmed that I have a fever. Deep breaths.

He is still with us

I am starting to open up to the possibility that this baby will be with us for awhile. Of course I want to keep him as long as I possibly can, but what is best for him? Right now, what is best for him is being with our family. He is learning and growing with kindness, patience, and love. No, he was not treated that way at home. I am thinking ahead in term of weeks vs days. I can't think about him leaving, because it worries me. When he does go home, I have to trust that his mom has worked hard for him and he will be loved. I choose to not dwell on the future and we are all loving this baby today.

As far as the other 'family member', nothing has gone forward--hmmm....yippee!

The Weekend

It's the weekend and we are just hangin' out waiting for some warm weather to finally come along. Our oldest is still sleeping and the rest of the crew is up and running. If the sun comes out we are going on a Saturday stroll. It will be nice to finally get outside!!! I don't know about the 'person' who wants this baby, I'm not asking about it until next week. Things move slow and I doubt anyone even knows anything anyway. This baby is so cute. I can't help but gush about him.

Dear Sarah Thompson

Hello Sarah,
I am very flattered that you read my blog. I am even more flattered that you comment on it. I am being serious, not sarcastic. I understand that you disagree with foster care and that is fine. There are some serious flaws in the foster system. But please understand this. I am here protecting this baby. I want him to go to home to his mommy. All children deserve to be wanted and loved and protected by their biological parents. But what if this doesn't happen? What if mommy has a drug addiction that is stronger than her mommy instinct? Who protects and loves and wants this baby? Do you know that meth addiction causes an increased sexual desire? Do you know that children are raped by meth addicts and are even 'given' in exchange for their parents' drugs? Do you want to pick up the pieces of a 2 yr old baby that has been raped? Make no mistake here, no one took this baby from his mother. She chose to not take care of him. I am all for reunification, but the biological parents need to be for it first. When mom has visits with baby she shouldn't be chronically late (everytime), she should bring with her diapers, formula, and baby food, she should be worried and concerned about how her baby is doing, she should change his diaper when she has him. When a mother wants her child, she shows it by mothering. If she doesn't know how to mother, then she needs to be taught. As for the fathers, well that is another social issue our society has. I am aware that some people get offended when others express their religious beliefs. I really am not sure why you harbor so much anger, but you are not alone. I am very thankful that I am a foster mom. I love being a mommy to this baby. I also love being a mom to my own children and I am very thankful for them. If it's the foster care system that has you riled up, then I understand that too. There is no perfect solution. The only one I can see is to diligently seek good foster homes. I do believe that God has called us to love hurting children. Not just my family, but everyone's. If those hurting children are your own, well then you know where to start.

Disclaimer: In no way am I implying that my situation includes a parent addicted to meth. I was simply explaining the facts of meth addiction and using cases that I am close to as examples.

Someone Else has come forward

Yep, another 'person' has come forward to say they want to take care of Little Guy. I just have a feeling, like they are going to take him from us any day now. I know it's part of it, but I am human and I do have feelings and it hurts. It's my choice, but it's still no less painful. My thinking is that this 'person' will not go through all the trouble to get Little Guy. If they do, then maybe they are right for him. I don't think so, but I am partial to myself. Regardless, it will be at least a month before they would be an 'approved' home. So that makes me relax just a little. This 'person' is not related and has never seen "Little Guy". I really can't think about it, maybe it's a survival technique. These are the facts I'm faced with and I deal with it one day at a time. At first I was outraged (to say the least). Now I have just surrendered to the One who led me here in the first place. My God. I don't know the plan for Little Guy, and if we are only able to love him now then that is what we are doing.

I love the weekends

I love the weekends with this baby because I know I will not get a call telling us he is leaving. We are foster and foster to adopt. The thing is with the whole foster to adopt is the risk. Since we are foster and foster to adopt, we will have children who are in reunification. No one ever knows what will happen, this baby we have could end being a foster to adopt baby. We don't know, but if he does then we have him and we will have a good chance of adoption. If he does go home or with his grandma, then we at least gave him a loving and safe home for as long as we could. Everyday is getting harder for me, I am allowing myself to mother this baby with no reservations. I know I am going to be a mess when he leaves us, and the longer he stays the harder it will be to say goodbye. So why do I get so attached? Why not keep a 'wall' up in order to protect myself? Because I cannot be a good mother to this baby without getting attached to him. I have to meet his needs, physical and emotional. If you can't risk yourself for the good of another person, then you can't give them everything they need and deserve. It's not fair that children are abused and neglected. It's disgusting and shameful. Until our society learns to protect and value our children, then we will always be picking up the pieces of these children's lives.

I am nervous when the phone rings. But the weekends are peaceful and happy. I really do want what is best for this baby. I wish his mom to get better, he needs his mother. But where is the line? How much do these children need to endure? We have thrown ourselves into this with only one sure thing: heartbreak.

Taking one day at a time...

We still have this baby, and looks like we will for many months. I can only go by what is actually happening, so we have him today. If I get in my head we will have him for 6 months and we don't...well, you know. So one day at a time (sweet Jesus) that song always pops in my head when anyone says 'one day at a time'. I suspect G-ma will eventually get this baby. Just when is the question. We are supporting that, unless there is reason not to. We got a mac-daddy stroller that is sweeeettt!! I can't wait to take this baby on a walk today, it is going to be warm and sunny.

My kids love this baby. They want to 'keep' him!! So sweet. We tell them that he is going home, we don't know when but he is.

The baby sling works great for vacuuming!!! But he is sooo heavy I can't wear it for too long, or maybe I am out of practice.

I THINK we are keeping him

I'm so unsure of anything I'm told because of all the 'possible' avenues these things can take. Little Guy is staying with us (for now). It did not work out with gma--but it may at a later date (that is my feeling). He is too little right now, she needs help and I'm glad she can admit that. So unless another relative comes forward, passes the fingerprint and background check we have him 'till further notice!!! I'm so happy. He is such a sweet baby. He is teething and is very fussy. I finally found a pediatrician to take him, it was unreal at the issue I had finding a ped! No one takes Medicaid or they don't want any more Medicaid patients. So unless I wanted to drive to timbuktwo I found only ONE dr who would take him. Thank goodness he is taking him and he is 5 min away. So perfect. FYI, this doc was a former foster child--I saw it on his bio. As for mom, she is not making her court appearances (sick). So we will see what happens over the next few weeks.

Still Don't Know

We still don't know what grandma is going to do. She feels the responsibility to take this baby, but is overwhelmed by their situation. We offered to keep the baby until she can plan and get ready for him. She really has reservations because he is so young. I cannot blame her. She doesn't want to be drug through the system only for her to lose the baby also. For now he is here and he is loved.

Busy Busy

This baby is teething like crazy!!! He is opening up and so relaxed now. He is very happy and loves to make noise. I should know something this afternoon about the g-ma, we may only have him for 2 more weeks. I'm sure it's best. The baby has a big sister that lives with g-ma. Only God knows what is best. I get really upset knowing how children go back to drug dependent parents.

My nephew is out of hospital, he went home yesterday. Thank you so much for your concern, this blogging thing can be amazing. He is still sick, but much much much better.

In other not related news: The BACHELOR--I stayed up super late and watched the after show thing. I could NOT believe he did that to Melissa!! He is insane! Why did he cry so much?? What a joke, he just does that for sympathy! No wonder he is divorced. It's such a set up anyway, but still. He should have picked Molly from the get go. Uggh!! Can't believe I got into that!!

My other show obsession in Big Love, I totally ordered HBO just for that show!!!!
Now that Bachelor is over, Dancing with the Stars--but I don't know if I can stomach watching Steve-O--he is creepy!!!! heehee!

Mama Visit

So Little Guy went to visit mom today. She was 1 1/2 hours late for her 2 hour visit. So that gave her a 30 min visit. She did manage to feed him a pop tart, but not change his diaper. So when I got him back he threw up and his clothes were soaked and his diaper was dirty. I know it could have been worse. But things like this is what drives moms crazy. He has had a bath and he is about to nap. Hope the next visit is better. We may be losing him. His g-ma has stepped forward. I will know tomorrow...