Still Alive

I am not the blogger I once was. I think having 4 children has something to do with that. Probably having an infant is the real reason. So much happens so fast. Lovebug's mom is doing better. She was so happy to see Lovebug today, it was a good day. She was in a great mood. We even talked for awhile. We talked about domestic abuse. I hope I got through to her, she still defends the person who abused her. I probably didn't, but at least I said something. I remained positive to her that she will get Lovebug back in a few months. She is working her plan, so I don't see why she wouldn't get her. She said she hopes to get her back. If she messes up again, I have to believe that she in incapable. This is it, she has to prove herself now, not later. I told her how much we love Lovebug, and that we will miss her somethin' awful. I secretly have hope that she will stop her plan, like so many times and years before. But that is a defense mechanism, I have to think we have a chance in keeping her--even if we don't. I don't really hope anything except for God's will. That is what I am living right now. This is so much bigger than I am. There are so many hurdles to jump through to keep Lovebug that it sometimes seems impossible. Then I feel sick that she will return to a life of poverty. And not poverty like real poverty, but more uneducated, low morals, and not caring way of life. She will grow up riding the city bus, going to a daycare for low income families, breathing in second hand smoke, stained clothes, laundromat, and many of mom's boyfriends moving in and out. Of course going to the laundromat and riding the bus doesn't make a bad parent or a bad person. I don't think that at all, but when you are uneducated this is the life you settle for, and along with that comes other social problems.