The Positives

Little Guy is going home to his family. They love him. His father has surfaced and is going to start forward steps in parenting. He has aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. It really is the best for him. If things go well, Little Guy's father will get custody and his mother will not be able to mistreat him again. This will be great because Little Guy is a guy's guy. He loves the guys and he will bond wonderfully to his dad. Until then his aunt and uncle will care for him and provide him a stable home. As far as reunification goes, this is a great outcome. We love this baby so much.

Losing

We are losing Little Guy. Heartbroken doesn't even describe how we feel. The paternal family has come forward. He will live with his family. This is part of fostering. It's hard, we love him, we want to keep him. I have cried and cried. I can't talk about it or I will fall apart. My focus is making this an easy transition on this baby I love so much. This includes getting along with 'them'. For Little Guy I will do anything. Now I am deciding what I need to buy him before he goes. I just ordered him a ton of clothes, so he will be set until next spring. I don't know how long we have, only a week or two.

Frustration

We are very frustrated with a certain birthparent. She is no longer mia, she is sitting in jail and will be for quite a while. But that doesn't stop her from trying to call the shots. It's ridiculous and almost laughable at the mess that is created here. My empathy level for her just keeps getting lower and lower, and trust me I've tried to understand---We have two very different situations with our babies. One parent is full of anger and the other full of remorse. I am filled with both. It's really just a bad day for me today in dealing with the system.

The Ups and Downs

Life has it's ups and downs. Throughout this whole foster care journey we have had major ups and downs. It's draining. Our family is pretty much laid back, we just hang out, shop, bike ride, watch movies, and stuff. The kids have their things to do, but we don't go crazy and over do it. We can see how easy both of these babies fit into our family. When you have older children then all of a sudden have infants, it can be overwhelming. But these babies are just so perfect. I don't know how I'm going to handle saying goodbye to them.

The ups and downs of their cases has been crazy. First they go home, then it looks like they may stay, then mom is on track-they are going home, a family member wants them, then they are staying, then we can adopt, then it's up to the judge, then no one knows, then they get lost in the system, then we can adopt them. See the pattern of craziness? I think my problem is expectations. I really was too positive and wanted to believe the workers when they tell us that we will probably get to adopt both babies. I am changing the rules. It's not fair to our family to pretend we are going to adopt these babies when they could both be gone as fast as they came. I am not giving up, yet. I am simply re-evaluating my motives, my expectations, and my families desires. I am going to practice acceptance. Acceptance that this is not in my control. Acceptance that these babies will more than likely go home--yes both of them. Acceptance that things change from day to day, happiness can turn to sadness in a blink of an eye. Acceptance that reality is sometimes ugly and unfair, and my children are learning that. Acceptance that these lessons in loving will have a positive impact on my children's lives, even if it's painful now.

What I know about our babies cases: Lovebug's mom is going to work hard the next 6 weeks to do everything she needs to in order to stop the termination.
Little Guy-we are being kept in the dark. I think the aunt is pursuing custody and I would guess the worker will support that--only because he has been reduced to a file. The worker who knew him is gone, I can't tell you how much that impacts the kids (when a worker leaves). We do have the GAL but unless the aunt is in bad shape, he will go there eventually.

So now in practicing my acceptance of our decision to foster, I am accepting that we will more than likely lose both babies. Foster parenting is rewarding, but painful experience. I have said before that we are living 'open', open to what God gives us. Giving babies a healthy start is so important for their future development. I am blessed to be these babies mommy, even if for a day.

A Blow- at least it feels like I've been punched in the stomach

Good news and bad news.

Lovebug will stay with us for 6 more weeks, that's the good news. More good news is that PC will go forward, adoption for us is on track. Unless mom gets it together. I am praying for her.

Little Guy, the bad news. So unexpected. First of all, a social worker shows up today. She is Little Guy's new worker, his case was thrown in her lap and she has to be caught up. I've been getting worried about his case because it's been so quiet, and his previous worker left months ago. So the bomb was dropped, a paternal aunt wants custody of Little Guy. Paternity has not been determined, and they can't find dad to go forward. It's rumored that this 'aunt' has already filed for custody, mom is in jail right now and of course she wants the aunt to have him. I was floored. Did not expect this. We will be at court this month, we will see who else shows. This may all be needless stress. Facts: Paternity is not determined and the aunt has not been cleared via background check. So after a panic attack, we have to focus on the positive. We still have Little Guy today. I'm very protective of Little Guy, he really has had to deal with a lot in his short life. His attachment to us and ours to him is amazing, we will be heartbroken if we lose him. These next 2 weeks are going to be torture. I want more information from the social worker, and at the same time I don't. You never know what a day will hold. What should I be learning from this? Day to day living? Trust? Our children, I hurt for them. I don't want them to know pain like this. That is my fear, my children's (including Little Guy) hurt.

6 more weeks...

Court is tomorrow, Lovebug will more than likely stay here until after the next court date which is 6 weeks away. I was told that she will not be leaving right now, but sorry if I don't believe anything until after it happens. So we have 6 more weeks with her, after that we don't know. Praying we get to keep her, but also realizing that she could go back to mom. It is what it is. We are enjoying her while we have her. I am at peace, not really sure how but I am. I just ordered her some new clothes from my favorite stores, it's hard to get to the mall these days. She is growing so fast, and any excuse for new clothes works for me. Little Guy is getting new duds also, as well as my own kiddo's. I love online shopping!! I even order our diapers and wipes from diapers.com. Saves trips. So now I can relax, wait for our new clothes, and enjoy the rest of our summer. Only a tiny bit of anxiety is left!!

Baby Visit

Mom doesn't have a home yet. She thinks in a few weeks she will be able to have a place. But this was said several weeks ago. With court next week and no place to live, I think Lovebug is staying put with us for now. I encouraged her today to get that 'place' asap so she would be on track to getting Lovebug back. She is still attending parenting classes. I told her that was great and to keep going. She is not in school. She had an excuse, but truthfully you have to have your life together before you start school. Maybe in the future she will be ready. It would be so easy for me if the courts terminated rights and we adopted Lovebug. But that is what I want, and I what I want is irrelevant. I will encourage Lovebug's mom to get a home and go to school. I don't know if anyone else is encouraging her or not. I love this baby, so naturally I care about her mother. It doesn't look good for her though, 2 years and still hasn't secured a home.

Lazy Summer

We are very lazy this summer. We have to be very careful with Lovebug in the sun, she is still too young to hang outside all day long. Man I wish we had our own pool!!! We have many pool 'options' but we need our own. It's all about not sharing. I don't like sharing pools. I grew up in Florida, and we always had our own pool. It may sound spoiled but I look at it as a safety thing. My kids have contracted some nasty bugs from public/neighborhood pools, so I'd rather have my own pool. Too bad we picked a house with crazy homeowner rules and no pool...oh well--thank goodness for the waterpark (for the big boys). We are still enjoying our summer. I let the kids sleep late, eat outside, and grill out almost everyday. However, I am much busier than last summer! LOL!

I am a little anxious about court next week, it breaks my heart thinking we may only have one more week with her. No one tells you anything. I can't let myself dwell on these feelings, it's a waste of time. What baby mama's requirements are: 1. job (done) 2. housing (will check fri, but I thought this was done) 3. parenting classes (currently taking) 4. therapy (have no idea) 5. cannot be living or having a relationship with baby daddy (this one is unknown--I suspect they are together). To me, it looks like she is on track to get her baby and other child back. The judge may just give her a little more time, or she may send Lovebug home. When you look at the importance of attachment, Lovebug needs to go home to her mom asap. I say that because if that is where she is going anyway, then the sooner the better for Lovebug's attachment. If this case is going to be a revolving door of placement and reunification--then she needs to stay with us. I love this baby so much.

Sleep

We have two babies that sleep through the night n0w. What a wonderful thing sleep is, I have found it once again. Both babies are teething. I think their age gap of 9.5 months is closing in fast! We are going to have twinners here soon! We have a court date next week for Lovebug, small chance she could go home to mom. I am getting all her wash done just in case. I will talk to mom on Friday and see how she is doing.