A New Year- Another Birthday for my Son

Today is our oldest son's birthday, he is 15. That totally blows me away. I was 19 years old when we were in the delivery room on December 29, 1993. I was so happy and loved this little guy so much. I was also scared to death, poor, and wondered how I would afford this baby. I felt too young, inadequate, and stupid. As the days went by, this little boy would cry for me, smile at me, and needed me. I held him constantly, kissed him, bathed him, and dressed him up so cute. I went back to college, but we did not have the support we needed to succeed. I went to work and quit college. My husband (who was my boyfriend then) worked days, and I worked nights. We decided on this after countless awful babysitters who I absolutely hated. I didn't know it then, but I was so unprepared in both emotions and maturity to have this baby. My judgement was not good when it came to dealing with teachers, babysitters, and even family members. Our child was ADD, and we were immature parents (but responsible). To hear teachers complain about him broke my heart. He was flawed in their eyes, and I tried my best to conform him. As the years went on, he was not conforming even though he tried his best. He is now 15, his childhood is closing faster than I can type. As I look back I am happy and sad. I had an awesome responsibility at 19 years old, a gift and yet I didn't realize it. That fact gives me grief, a mother's grief that I could have done so much better with my child--if I had only understood, had a little education in ADD, and child development. I did learn to speak up for him, I fought for him, I rejected the complaints that he wasn't 'listening'. I no longer required of him such high standards of perfection. He is my child, and like every child he isn't perfect--just like I'm not a perfect mother. So today he is 15, he wants a cookie cake (his favorite), he asked for an air soft gun (which we got). He will run in the woods in his camo outfit and play airsoft with his friends (with a face shield!). He is 15, but he is still a child. He brings so much joy to our family, he loves the spotlight, he loves the outdoors, and he loves girls. After so much we have been through, I want him to live his life how he desires. I want him to wake up every morning loving life. I want him to know that me and his Daddy LOVE him, need him, and want him to be happy. It's bittersweet to see your child grow up, I want him to grow up- but it's hard to let go. I guess this is good practice, we have 2 more right behind him!!!